Yesterday, Today and the Rest of my Life
Hey guys! I was going through my old posts, and wow! A lot happened in 2009 — some amazingly awesome things, some less-than-stellar things — you know, the usual varied spectrum of events and their pertinent gamut of relevant emotions. I started this blog, for instance. I went back to school for my master’s. I vacationed in San Diego and Solvang with my boyfriend. I quit an awful job and started a new one. I lost my “final 10″ pounds. My older brother got married. I turned vegetarian. My niece turned one. I trained for a marathon then couldn’t run it after getting tendinitis in my right knee. I tried out new exercise routines including Hip Hop Hustle, Turbo Kick Boxing and hot yoga. I tried my first Green Monster. I turned 26 and went to Disneyland (and reverted to a 4-year-old). I decided to try out veganism (and still am!). Blah blah blah!
But here we are now in 2010! Happy New Year to all of you!
There are a lot of things I want to work on this year and the one overarching theme uniting all of my goals is one little hyphenated word: self-acceptance. You see — I am a firm believer that the only person who can make me happy is me. I am in want of nothing materially. I have wonderful friends, family and the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. The only thing that’s missing is me. Sounds weird, right? Well, it’s not really. I need to work on accepting myself as I am in all of those isolated moments of my day. As it is, my self-acceptance hinges on my socially-accepted “achievements.” In other words, I feel pretty “self-affirmed” if I’ve just aced a paper, gave a flawless singing performance, lost a pound, ran 6 miles, etc. But it’s those mundane moments — when I’m making my coffee, applying my mascara, staring at the computer screen, reading a book — that I struggle to find contentment. In many ways, this is very “textbook” and “psych 101.” It’s the “perfectionists” that have typically been linked to eating disorders. But what is hard to uncover is why the perfectionism. We can see its manifestations — the obsessive desire to be thin, the competitiveness in academia, etc. — but getting to the root is much harder. That’s why even after a 150 pound loss, I’m still struggling. Anyone who thinks her happiness is contingent on her weight or appearance is in for a surprise (and not the type with balloons and confetti). Boy, I’m so melodramatic, huh? Such a buzz-kill for the 1st day of the new year! Ok, I’ll stop with the melancholy and move on with the happy happy…
I have a lot of things to be *super* excited for this year! I am so lucky to be healthy and capable! I’ll be starting my second year of grad school and finishing an album with my band. Want to know one of the most exciting things?! Hmm I think I’ll wait to reveal it tomorrow so that if I killed your joy with my moping above you will have reason to come back! 
I promise it’s exciting!
Any resolutions or goals for the new year? How did you celebrate?
<3,
The Cranky One
10 People have left comments on this post
“A” … you are and continue to be a true inspiration. My world is much richer for knowing you! I am so excited for what your future holds!!
“B”
You really have done so much this last year! The statement that once the weight is off you still struggle is true. Being thin does not make you happy. It’s very hard to not be a perfectionist, isn’t it?
FYI I play a mean tamborine
I can be in the band! Let’s resolve to meet in 2010. My life would be so much cooler then!
Lolo
wow – I had no idea perfectionism was linked to eating disorders. That explains a lot. We are one in the same, girl.. and though I know how difficult it is to be accepting of ourselves and at ease with our flaws – I try to view myself as I view others. Do I expect the people around me to be perfect? not at all. Do I love and cherish my family, friends, boyf, despite their imperfections? of course. In fact, I think people who attempt to be “perfect” are annoying (talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh?) overall — it’s just about reminding ourselves that we ARE human. We have one life, one body, one heart, one soul – why waste our time doing anything but loving it!?
Sighs. I have the same issue of accepting myself. I will be super happy if I do well, but if I eat too much or don’t exercise enough, I feel like a failure and I’m just a downer to be around. I’m dealing with it now and getting better, but it’s still a huge effort to NOT let it affect me.
That being said… here’s to the start of a New Year! It’s going to be fantastic
You are so right about the self-acceptance issue – I had a long conversation about my problems in that area with my husband just last night! If you work out how to ‘fix’ it, please share the secret! I’ve not done too well on that for the last year, and its my aim (not resloution) to work on it next year as well. Its nice to see from the comments that we aren’t the only ones – sometimes I feel like such an idiot for struggling with it so much.
Good luck to all of us – I know (from experience) that hearing it doesn’t really help, but from reading your blog its very clear you have a lot to not just accept but also to be very proud of!
I can really relate to this post! I blogged about it myself Friday & will again Monday! Even after all these years of lost weight & fitness achievements, I still struggle with self acceptance!
Good luck, my dear. Reaching a goal weight will not necessarily make everything in life better. You need to be able to be content with just being you instead of constantly going for more. I was actually there at some point last year, but somehow the holidays got the best of me again. Happy New Year!! Can’t wait for the exciting news
I think this is a fabulous post. I hope that someday I can be as honest on my blog as you are on yours. It was a true inspiration to read this- thank you!!
-Caitlin
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