Big Fat Musings
It’s counter intuitive, but true, that losing weight is very emotionally taxing. I read a lot of blogs by others who have also experienced a similar weight-loss and feel this sort of anticlimactic remorse. It’s like setting out for a long journey in which you are isolated and consumed by this quest and when you finally reach your destination, well…it’s akin to being reintroduced into society. It’s exciting, frustrating and invariably disappointing. That’s kinda how I feel sometimes – Like I was gone in this quest and, now that I’m back, I have no choice but to acknowledge how different my life is and how differently others receive me. I also have to acknowledge how it’s not different in the ways I thought it would be. Wait, I’m still the same person I was before?! Pretty much. Sure, we all change day-to-day, but I don’t think much of my “essence” has changed (not to get all philosophical on you guys!).
Sure, some days I’m like “woo-hoo, I’m not being embarrassingly singled out for being morbidly obese!” Other days, I feel a sense of shallowness and emptiness. By losing weight, did I give up this gift to weed out people whose love and friendship were conditional? Did being fat mean that the people who loved me did so without contingencies? Did I cave under societal pressure? Is my weight loss sending a message I didn’t agree to? Sure, I do feel better phsyically now — those aches and certain physical limitations are gone. But that damn mental and emotional essence — well, it lingers.
Being a self-assigned and socially-corroborated “fat person,” ironically, allowed me to be a fly on the wall. You would think my sheer size would make me hyper-noticeable, but it really made me fixture-like, invisible, passed-through (in social settings outside my close friends and family,of course). In my observations, I’ve seen the fringes, breaking-points, limits and boundaries of interactions and relationships.
What I’m coming to realize is that I have bought into the very constructs that I have fought so hard internally to rebuke. I’m still harboring feelings of not being the picture of health that is most respected, in my tainted vision. It turns out, is this any wonder, that I am a dun dun dun people pleaser.
What I thought at one point was the phantom fat syndrome — that I still saw myself as my old physical self — is not the case. I look in the mirror and wonder when enough will be enough. I look around and wonder where conditions and contingencies fit into my relationships and interactions with people NOW. Most rattling to my core, I’ve realized how sick and trivializing it is to think that people who loved me when I was heaviest must have truly loved me. That implies that I see being fat as this incredible burden and handicap that is somewhat unlovable, or something to overcome. Hey, you liked me even when I was fat? Here’s a gold medal!
I’ve also realized that being thinner now doesn’t make anything more or less nebulous. I see now that some of my relationships have been contingent on being thin as much as they have been contingent on me being fat. I see that I have no control over people who love that way and no control over how people view me. I can be 280 pounds or 130 and the way people see me will still be out of my control. You hear that Cranky One? You CANNOT control people!
The world is an interesting place and I’m just starting to scratch through the surface.
<3,
The Cranky One
10 People have left comments on this post
this is a very interesting post…i never really thought about it this way, but you’re totally right. it’s quite the conundrum to figure out how to lose weight, not lose yourself, but the accept the new you and see people’s reactions to all of that. very thought-provoking…
very interesting and rather insightful. i’m about 10 lbs away from my goal and when i get there, what comes next? i’m still me, but a smaller me. will a parade be thrown in my honor for reaching that goal? no. it will just be another day, with hopefully a lifetime of maintenance.
I’ve thought this very same thing before: “I’ve realized how sick and trivializing it is to think that people who loved me when I was heaviest must have truly loved me.” Then I shake myself and tell myself that’s not the way to think. And then I think it again probable not too many days later.
I love your insights.
Great post. When I reached my goal about 2 years ago I noticed that people were a little different around me. They would make comments that would sometimes make me feel bad. I kind of needed to prove to myself and others that I was still the same person…just making better choices..health wise. It’s a very emotional journey.
It’s true that weight loss is a very emotionally taxing thing. But even more true, like you say, is the fact that once you’ve lost the weight, you sort of have to figure out something else to focus your attention on. In my experience, after losing a little bit of weight, I found myself not only unsure of my own ability to ‘maintain,’ but also feeling a certain sense of disappointment that there was no longer anything to look forward to. Twisted? Probably a little. But it is true, I think, that after reaching the goal, it is hard not to feel somewhat goalless, even if this is not at ALL true in other areas of my life.
This is so true.
I can’t say I lost a significant amount of weight, and I have to admit people don’t really behave any differently around me… But the wondering of why I needed to lose weight and the emotional journey behind it really mesh. Sometimes I fear I’m merely trying to conform to some weird thin ideal set up by some arbitrary people, who decided thin was in. But at the same time where I am now I know I eat healthy and I exercise for me alone. Part of that intrinsic motivation is totally shallow; I do not want to be fat and “ugly” but are the two the same?
I still sometimes catch myself “compensating”; well I’m not a size 2, so I shouldn’t wear that… I’ll look good in that darker colour. I should wear more make up because… It’s nice but… There are too many BUTs and BECAUSEs. The thing I know is, there are nasty people out there who’ll say anyone looks fat in that dress, wears too much make up, not enough make up, etc. and that person could be 280 or 130, so it really is out of your control.
The world is an interesting place and I’m just starting to scratch through the surface.
Sounds like you’ve struck gold already
Good post!
What a great post…I always wonder how people see me because I clearly don’t see myself very well. I can completely understand what you are saying!
Honestly? You look awesome. I just saw your before and forevers and you look fabulous!
What an amazing and thought-provoking post. While I was reading it I thought, “She’s right! How will I know who REALLY loves me once I’m not fat anymore?”
But then, as I continued to read, I thought, “But wait – what do I care?? All that matters is how I feel about myself.”
The trick here is to let go of the thought that everyone is judging you by your looks. Because like you said, if they ARE – you can’t control that. All you can control is how you see and feel about yourself.
I really relate to this post, but for a completely different reason, in that I am underweight and know people remember how I looked when I was healthy. I automatically assume everyone will be disgusted or repulsed to see me now (as I am, at least) and don’t give them enough credit for seeing the “inner” me instead of the outside. While I’m in the process of gaining it back–hopefully–I have to remember that I’m doing it for me, my health, etc. and not so that I can suddenly knock everyone’s socks off with some great transformation.
On either side of the coin, the thoughts are the same. Did they like me before I was this way, or are they only here now because I look “better?” Did/am I keeping myself intentionally unattractive so that I can be sure people like me for me, and not for how I look?
Great insight and great post.