I Missed the Pre-Zumba Cocktail Hour

Hey guys!

On Wednesday, between a job interview, freelance assignments and day-to-day errands, I found the sun down and a beach-run out of the picture. I didn’t feel like doing strength training (what else is new?), so figured a good zumba session would be a nice finish to my day.

I checked online and saw that there was a class at 7:30 at my local gym and, though it wasn’t taught by the same instructor as I’ve taken previously, I thought it would be fun.

I was wrong.

What, dear God, was this instructor on? There must have been a pre-zumba cocktail hour that I happened to miss, because this instructor was a little too off-kilter to be sober.

[source] I love Zumba when it’s a work-out rather than a happy hour. Sorry, I’m old and cranky and want a freakin’ work-out!

First, some of the music was not Latin. I walked in a minute late because I was running on the treadmill beforehand and so when I heard oldies blaring, I thought I might be in the wrong class. Too embarrassed to leave, I stayed to find out that yes, this was zumba. So, I thought, ok cool, I can get my groove on to oldies, I’m flexible like that. Hehe.

But what the hell?

Why are we doing everything we can to be offbeat?

Yep, that’s right – she was offbeat. And let me tell you, you have to try extra hard to be offbeat when you are demonstrating a choreographed routine. Like, I almost applaud her for being able to be offbeat. Congratulations?

Then there was the incessant dropping-it-like-it’s-hot move.

Look, I love to drop it like it’s hot. Get me a cocktail and a dance floor and I’ll hardly come up for air from all the droppage.

But I was looking for a work-out and we can drop it every once in a while and I’ll love it. But every 5-freakin-seconds? Really, lady? Did you wear those pants with “Love” sequined onto your derriere precisely for this sequence? Oy.

And someone break it down for me: is it customary for zumba instructors to have a posse with them? Because between the offbeat routine, the dropping-it-like-it’s-on-fire, the bad music, and the sequined-ass-pants, the instructor also had a group of admirers who would consistently jump on the platform and do the movements with her. Oh and by “movements,” I mean dropping it like it’s hot. Let’s face it — this class was not Zumba, but instead Skanky Dance Moves 101.

I must be getting old and more cranky, but if I am at the stinky gym I am there to work out. If I wanted to sweat alongside a group of strangers to Spanish music for fun, I’d go to a Latin club in my work-out clothes.

I hardly broke a sweat in this class and spent more time looking around at other people to see if I could catch a knowing glance that someone else thought this class was crazy, too. No luck. They must have been at the pre-zumba cocktail hour, too.

I was simply too sober for this class.

Lesson learned: stick to your previous zumba instructor and only her. Or get a flask for gym purposes.

<3,

The Cranky One

Tags: gym classes, zumba