Choosing Trust Amongst Dissonant Voices

You guys seemed to connect with seeing the email I wrote to a loved one when I contemplated binging. Writing out my feelings helps me re-connect with myself when I am at the risk of acting impulsively, so I’m certainly making that my impulse rather than binging and rather than self-loathing (or, rather, as a means to get out of my impulsive self-loathing).

I’ll preface this with info. that all last weekend I was feeling anxious and stressed knowing that on Monday not only would I be leading a discussion on HAES which, for various reasons, is a very contentious topic amongst health professionals and those invested in the thin-is-ideal mentality, but I would also have to talk about nutrition to a group of a strangers on film. I’m getting more and more accustomed to this sort of stuff, having been filmed three times in the past few months discussing my opinions on health and the obesity “epidemic.” It’s still stressful nonetheless.

My discussion on HAES felt like this: I was playing dodge-ball on a one-person team. My team, then, being me. And while that would usually leave me feeling defeated, instead I felt brave. It takes guts to question the status quo and to stand strong even while being critiqued, publicly and repeatedly.

Anyhow, Monday morning – before the stress that would ensue – I was feeling my own self-inflicted stress. And while I could easily have pushed it aside just to deal with it later (usually with food), I faced it by writing it out. Here’s what I wrote to my boyfriend who is the most amazing sounding board who always greets these topics with compassion and genuine care:

hi baby. i’m up! had my toast and coffee. going to curl my hair and do some other stuff to prep for today. so….last night, i had to face a fear. I tried on a lot of clothes i had been afraid to try on, knowing that i have gained weight and they might not fit. so, here’s the truth. i certainly have gained weight. maybe even more than i had wanted to admit. my immediate reaction is wanting to drop everything and hide myself from the world until i lose it; to starve myself or diet; i imagined having you weigh me and track the progress as motivation. but i know that i cannot continue this abusive cycle. i have to give up the scale and i have to give up this “i need to lose…” So I am trying to address it as logically and as kindly to myself as possible (it helps to write it out, so thanks for listening). i do sincerely know that i have made incredible mental progress these past months in terms of limiting the binge eating and, it’s been even longer that I’ve purged (can’t remember the last time!).  i do consistently overeat due to stress. but that’s such an improvement – and I think even the most “normal” eaters overeat due to stress (so perhaps it doesn’t even warrant mentioning?).

i have to accept that this kind of IS my healthy weight. that’s very hard for me to accept. but this is the weight that my body has consistently gone back to over the past 7 years when i am not strictly counting calories or working out like a maniac. i should really get comfortable with this weight but there are two warring sides of myself. the side that says, “love yourself no matter what! choose health over vanity” and the other side that says, “no! don’t accept this – you can look and feel better!” is there a way to rectify both views without reverting back to an eating disorder or making myself crazy?

i think the best thing for me to do is focus simply on treating myself well. no diet. no scale. i need to make eating well a priority (and perhaps try eating the way we did at Green Mountain: actual meals, a few snacks and not eating at night when i’m not hungry and simply am wanting to stuff away anxiety). i need to make working out a priority. sure, i guess i average a pretty good amount overall, but i want to make exercise a daily thing i do to lift my spirits, not fitting 3 hours in one day to compensate for overeating. and, i would like to focus on weight lifting/strength building because those results are fun and they make me feel wonderful to know i’m getting stronger.

baaaaaaaaah! trying so so so hard not to hate myself morning !

*takes deep breath*

i guess if i can get through today, i really can do anything including loving myself despite a weight gain. it sounds so silly to be so harsh on myself reading it back. maybe that’s what i should focus on, eh? forget focusing on what and how i should eat and how much exercise i get, but treat this incessant harsh self-talk?

oy. gotta go. i can’t believe it’s 5:10; i started this 20 minutes ago!!!!

i love u

It’s kind of embarrassing to read it over again, especially considering that once I gave myself permission not to hate myself for gaining weight I actually started to feel this weird and uncomfortable feeling of actually being okay with my weight gain and actually feeling beautiful. It seems like our immediate impulse (ingrained in us at an early age) is that weight gain is something to be treated with shame, self-loathing, body-hate and plans to remedy (no matter how dire they are to your health). Since writing that email and just accepting that the weight gain is a sign of better health, I have actually felt happy about the weight gain and sometimes I get this rush of worry like “wait, is that wrong?!” And then I laugh and think to myself, “of course it’s not wrong! this is wonderful! this is just the rush you feel when you’ve finally learned to trust yourself instead of mainstream society.”

I wish this feeling on everyone.

<3,

The Cranky One

Tags: binge eating, body acceptance, HAES