Looks like it’s no longer just the trip of your dreams, Kristen *cue sappy music*

Kristen, I’ll email you.

For all the other awesome folks who entered for this trip – I know it sucks not to win stuff, but I happen to know for a fact that there will be future Green Mountain at Fox Run give-aways coming up on Karen’s blog, KCLAnderson and Mara’s blog, Medicinal Marzipan, so you should definitely stalk follow them (plus, they really do make for great, body-positive reading!).

Holla’

<3,

The Cranky One

My friends have noticed. Some friendships have suffered for it.

My boyfriend has taken note.

My coworkers are second guessing themselves.

I’m torturing (lovingly!) people with my incessant questioning of the words we use when talking about health, obesity & fat.

People are starting to apologize after they say things to me or to preface statements with – “I’m not sure this is the right way to say it, but…”

While it’s obvious that I’ve become adamant that we are conscious of our diction, there’s no need to apologize! Sure, I’ve started to get a twitch in my eye when I hear the words, “obesity” + “crisis” &/or “epidemic.” My heart starts to race when I hear the words, “skinny” and “fat.” It’s not that I think these are “bad words.” I just think we’re all in the habit of using words and phrases without really knowing what a) what they mean, b) they’re conveying…or worse, c) what the consequences are of how we use these words & phrases. Myself included!

How many times a day do I hear someone use the word “obesity”? Dear lord. I hear it too many times a day. It’s a blessing that I get to do what I love and do what I’m passionate about, but it’s also difficult to never be able to escape the conversation: the world thinks we have a problem. The majority of the world is phrasing the problem, “obesity.” I did, too.

But a light switched on in my head and now I can’t shut up about it. Our words matter. And, I just don’t think we know what the fuck we’re talking about. The truth is – I hardly know what to say myself.

What do our words mean & why does this matter?

• Fat. Aside from the biological definition of fat as an organic substance composing a lipid in our body, I don’t know where to go with this word – it’s just as arbitrary as “beautiful” and has a history just as rich. It can be wielded politically in self-assignation (just as the word “queer” has been). A great anthology on the word fat is the book Fat: The Anthropology of an Obsession. Regarding “fat bodies,” Don Kulick and Anne Meneley write, “There are places like Niger, in Africa, where they are considered sexy and ideal. There are other places, like the Andes Mountains, where they symbolize strength and health–attractive qualities that make them desirable targets for the dreaded pishtaco, a kind of vampire who sucks not blood but fat. There are cultures like hip-hop, or pornography where fat bodies are object of adulation. There are other contexts, like the theatrical performances of fact activists, where fat bodies are displayed, valorized, and politicized. And there are circumstances, such as the medical condition called lipodystrophy, where the fat in a person’s body drains away and redistributes itself, and where sufferers long for that fat and mourn its loss.” In my observations, most people link “fat” to economy & class. Wheres fat used to symbolize wealth & health in women (thus making them desirable), it now symbolizes (to some, not all) an undesirable excess & lower status on the socioeconomic totem poll. Academics like Julie Guthman question whether the tie to lower socioeconomic status is a cause or result of “fat” (in thinking about the latter, think about how people who are “fat” are othered with political consequences (e.g. less access to jobs, etc.)). If you think the word “fat,” can be wielded carelessly without consequence, read the #ashamed Twitter chat that occurred last night regarding Georgia’s Strong4Life campaign.
  
• Obesity. “Overweight” and “obese” are medical terms to describe where someone stands on the BMI scale (which is basically a weight & height ratio). We all know that the BMI scale is bullshit. There are at least three people in my inner circle who are overweight on the BMI scale who are in perfect health, muscular and fit. Many argue – “but it’s a great measure for the majority of the population” – is it? No, it isn’t. That’s just some fiction many of us buy into because we believe that “fat” intrinsically means “unhealthy,” and we’re accustomed to not accounting for diversity and how that affects our moralization of stats (BMI does not account for differences in bone density & muscle mass across racial groups and how this affects weight!). When we say we’re fighting obesity that means we’re either fighting the medicalization of fat or fighting those, unhealthy AND healthy, who fall under the “obese” category on the BMI scale.
  
• Skinny. This word is even more malleable than “Fat” because it actually doesn’t have a biological definition. It’s just some bullshit term mainstream media uses to symbolize the holy grail. And it’s precisely because it’s so malleable that the diet and fitness industry can bank off of its appeal (how often is “skinny” now used in diet pills & foods?). That’s the beauty of skinny – you don’t ever have to stop reaching for it because you simply can’t achieve something that doesn’t exist in reality. My mind was also opened recently to how detrimental this word can be, particularly when used as a compliment. See my Facebook page comments for a very interesting discussion on skinny, illness & compliments.
  

Why has someone who has lost 150 pounds via a diet (& gained her health) started to go all anti-diet and shit on us?

I lost weight and reversed many of my physical ailments. But my weight loss was a by-product of me eating well, becoming active and starting the process of unraveling my emotional ties to food (& becoming cognizant of my physiology). I want to be clear that weight loss in and of itself is not responsible for my health. And, after the healthy weight loss, I became obsessed with the “thin ideal,” which led to an eating disorder which furthered my weight loss but decreased my physical and psychological health. So the distinction that weight loss should NOT be the sole goal in achieving health is VITAL.

My focus has shifted to health, self-love, inner peace & sustainability. I accept that my body is going to change over the years. I want to be able to have children without obsessing about my weight. I want to live my life to its fullest no matter my size. I want to love and be in love with my body. I want to be grateful for every second I have my health. I guess you can say I’m tired of focusing my energy on what I look like. I want to feel good. I want to put my energy in things that matter. Focusing on skinny, on the number on the scale, & on fitting arbitrary constructs of beauty is soul crushing, exhausting and detrimental to my health. It also makes me complicit in what I see as a major societal ill — thin privilege and the weight loss hoax. Can I copyright the term “weight loss hoax”? Because I love the word HOAX. I think it perfectly describes this lie we are fed and too often buy into. And you know I love words, so when I find the right one – well, it’s mine! Want to know more about why weight loss as a path to health in and of itself is bullshit? Check out Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon.

This is where I am. I have changed. No, you don’t have to censor yourself around me. You don’t have to remove the words “skinny” and “obese” from your vocabulary when you’re around me (obviously, I love to discuss the terms, so if ya wanna chat…). You don’t have to hide from me that you want to lose weight. But I hope you will start to think about the words you use and why you use them. I hope you will ask yourself, “is this working for me? Will this work for me in the long term? Does this make me feel good?” If the answer to any of those questions is “no,” I invite you to reconsider your words and motivations. I go through this process every day whenever the instinct to say “ugh, Bella, look at that tummy roll” or “do you know how many calories that has?” or “I wish I was skinny” pops in my head (& all those thoughts do). I’m thankful that I now have a beautiful dissenting voice that pops into that conversation, breaks up the party, and says, “HOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXX.”

<3,

The Cranky One

[source]

I don’t remember exactly when it hit me that I wanted to blog. I had lost 150 pounds and felt I only scratched the surface of my potential for holistic health. I had all of these questions about my health, my body image & society and wasn’t satisfied with the answers I was being fed by the media and by my inner circle. I wanted to share my story and find people who might empathize. I found answers. I found more thought-provoking and belief-changing questions. I found friends who could empathize.

There is no doubt in my mind: I would not have evolved as much as a person had I not had this blog.  My beginning posts were all about weighing myself and counting calories. I then became interested in food politics. I went vegetarian. I went vegan. I became interested in intuitive eating and the psychological component of our relationship with food. I’m so grateful this blog has exposed me to incredible people and resources that have sparked and encouraged my personal evolution. This blog is also what has propelled me into jobs writing about health and working in the health industry. What an incredible blessing.

Also, had it not been for this blog, I would have never “met” Marsha Hudnall of Green Mountain at Fox Run and started opening my mind to the ideology behind mindful eating & intrinsic exercise. This e-relationship recently landed me the incredible opportunity to attend GMAFR and to meet Marsha in person. You guys have all heard about this experience (I feel like I’m still yelling about it from the mountain tops lol). If you’re visiting my blog for the first time, I’ll tell you in one sentence: Green Mountain at Fox Run (in Ludlow, VT) is an immersion program for women who are interested in a non-dieting approach to health, which includes building a healthy & mindful relationship with food & exercise.

My time at GMAFR in pictures:

I want you to have the same positive and life-changing opportunity that I did.

And, here’s your chance!

Green Mountain at Fox Run is offering one reader a FREE one-week stay in a private accommodation between February 1 and June 15, 2012.

Yes, you read that correctly! An entire week for free at Green Mountain at Fox Run!

How?

• Like Green Mountain at Fox Run on Facebook here
• Sign up for the Green Mountain at Fox Run newsletter here
• Leave me a comment so I know you’re entering!

I will choose one winner on Thursday, Feb. 2nd by noon PST via random number generator. Entries will be accepted until midnight PST on Wed., Feb. 1st. Contest open to US and international residents.

Please share this give-away via Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Myspace (hah! j/k!), snail mail (you have a week!), etc. – I want everyone and their mama to have a chance to win this. You can use this message if ya like: Win a #free week stay at @GreenMtnFoxRun http://bit.ly/xMLB0f #health #mefirst via @FeedMeImCranky1

The fine print: Approval of requested dates contingent upon availability. Winner is responsible for her own transportation to and from Green Mountain at Fox Run. Meals are included in your stay. FTC: A one-week stay at GMAFR ranges from $2,927-$3,127.00.

Have at it, folks! And, thank you from the bottom of my cranky heart for joining me on this journey for the past three years.

<3,

The Cranky One

My final day at Green Mountain at Fox Run wasn’t too exciting: I had breakfast with my pals, packed, said my goodbyes and then awaited my driver to take me to New Hampshire where the Dartmouth Coach would then take me to the Boston Airport. It was extremely saddening for me to say goodbye to GMAFR, which is telling because, while I have loved trips in the past, I have always been super anxious to return home after a couple days. This time was different and I know why — I felt like I was home. And I don’t mean that to sound corny, really – I am very introverted and need my space to recharge and find my zen. GMAFR provided me with the best mix of “me time” and introspection coupled with the perfect outlet to build relationships with empathetic and compassionate women. Oh and the opportunity to learn a shit ton and you guys know what a nerd I am (so, I clearly loved reliving the class atmosphere). Can you tell I already miss it much?

But then there was another plane incident. I guess we all saw it coming, didn’t we? I mean what luck that on the day I’m heading back home, the East coast gets a nice little snow storm. Of course the entire day I was already thinking “hmm. plane. snow storm. Imminent death.” We’ve already established I’m melodramatic and prone to panic attacks, right? Right!

I recognized my emotions, ate some amazeball vegan dumplings, and became distracted by a foursome of toddlers who decided that they wanted to play tag and dance party in my lap (I exaggerate, but just a tad. It’s as if all the kids in the airport knew that at my ripe age of 28, I was becoming hyper conscious of my biological clock and maternal instinct, so they decided to surround me for the two hours I was stranded at my gate. At least I wasn’t thinking about my flight) Once it was time to board the plane, I figured I’d just sleep through the ride. The plane was rather empty, so I had three seats to myself and sprawled out as if I were on a bed. Because the TV didn’t work, the flight attendant gave us the movie channels for free and I watched Puss & Boots (don’t judge). I then slept for an hour. Phew, three hours gone! And then that’s when the turbulence began. And that’s when my last straw of sanity dissipated.  I sat straight up in alarm and held on to my seat for dear life. The girl across from me, also with three seats to herself, did the same. For the next three hours, I panicked. It was like Cape Air all over again except I didn’t have some stranger dude’s hand to hold. I tried to occupy my mind by rummaging through my purse, tying and then untying my shoes, but I was unable to relax. I swear I felt an ulcer developing in my stomach. By the end of the flight, I ended up next to the chick who seemed to share my fear of flying. We managed to share our life stories until the plane landed at LAX and we both did a happy dance. I don’t want to board another plane for at least a good five years.

Touching down in LA and knowing I would soon see my boyfriend and pups reinvigorated me and I still haven’t stopped smooching my fur children…

Hm. It looks like I’m choking Kahlua, doesn’t it?! Lmao. I swear I’m just trying to direct her head to the camera!

It’s been a bit tough to be back to the grind so quickly. And, it’s very easy to come home to my life & responsibilities and allow the same routine to take precedence over some of the new & and wonderful habits I was starting to build at GMAFR. For instance, having three set meals at GMAFR was a great change for me, yet I have not implemented this yet at home. I’m going to spend 20 minutes or so tomorrow deciding three of the most important things I’d like to add from GMAFR to my life and making a conscious effort to implement them.

Tomorrow marks my third anniversary of blogging! I started blogging so that I could share my experiences and see if there were others out there who could share theirs with me. I had no idea that this would become as integral to my life and personal development as it has. Or that it would help set the tone for my academic interests and future career! I have a spectacular give-away to celebrate, so you’ll definitely want to check back in!

Alright, sleepy time! I leave you with this link to my little interview with my local business association. I am too embarrassed to watch it, so am hoping someone will transcribe so I can remember what I said. I’m serious.

<3,

The Cranky One

Yesterday, after breakfast, I joined Robyn’s workshop, “Creating Your Green Mountain Cookie Jar.” Your “Green Mountain Cookie Jar” holds slips of paper that list activities you love doing that are practical and that would serve the purpose that food normally would. This is a great delay tactic for emotional eaters. For example, if you are feeling anxious – and that is usually a trigger for you to eat – you can draw a slip from your Green Mountain Cookie Jar and complete the activity (let’s say it’s a self-soothing technique like taking a bubble bath). If you’re still hungry after this activity, fine! (The point is not to get you to never eat for emotional reasons). But you may find that you are satisfied and that you really didn’t want/need food.

I decided to fill mine with green slips that included activities I could do to satisfy my #1 trigger, which is stress!

 

(I flipped when I found this sticker that looks just like her!)
and pink slips for affirmations whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed or sad…

I think this is an incredibly helpful idea and just writing out the affirmations made me feel so positive about myself. And, thinking about activities I love doing made me wonder, “why aren’t I doing these more often?!” Definitely a great take-away. I’m really going to put these in a jar at home and put it in the kitchen!

Later, I took zumba with Kate and it was as fun as zumba is back home with my favorite instructor (quite a compliment to Kate!) and also just as strenuous because I did all the modification to use a bit more of energy. I did realize one thing during this class, which was hard for me to realize, but something I have to face: I’m still in the habit of picking myself apart whenever I’m in front of mirror. I was half exercising and half feeling disgusted at my reflection in the mirror. I know where this voice comes from (thanks to Darla’s “Messages from the Past” class). And, I also know what to do to address them (currently constructing a new neuro-pathway for positive self-talk), but it was still sad for me to recognize the behavior and still partake in it despite the thought-stopping technique. Time, Bella. We all need time.

On Fridays, classes are offered called “Sustain the Change,” and one is geared for people who are leaving and one is geared for people who are continuing another week (or 2 or 3, etc.). I went to the class offered for those leaving and we learned about “Predictors of Success for Long Term Weight Management.” Robyn mentioned studies done by the Weight Control Registry (which I’ve mentioned here), as well as techniques found and discussed in the book, The Solution: For Safe, Healthy, and Permanent Weight Loss by Laurel Mellin. The six predictors of success are: staying physically active, managing stress, practicing cognitive behavioral tools, self-monitoring, feeding yourself well & creating a support team. I couldn’t agree with all of these more! For each predictor, we jotted down changes we planned to implement when we got back home (and we understood that they will all change with time – for example, if you had not been physically active before Green Mountain, you shouldn’t write that your plan for staying physically active at home involves an hour of strength training a day (so not practical! or enjoyable lol)). Talk about a class that really equips you with the holistic tools necessary to sustain a positive and healthy life!

After lunch, I certainly got plenty of the time I needed.

Kate took a small group of us snowshoeing and the scenery was even more beautiful than the last time because the sun was out and it felt like we were in this weird simultaneous summer and winter wonderland. Thankfully, there were no incidents of panic on this trip and the reason why will illustrate what I mean when I say the women I have met here have been my favorite part of this trip. As I came downstairs for snowshoeing and saw my pals all bundled up with mittens, I was reminded that my wimpy knit gloves were not enough last time and that I had panicked thinking I was getting frostbite (I know, I know…SO melodramatic!). So I asked Kate if there were mittens in the Lost & Found that I could borrow. She said, “oh, check your mailbox.” It turns out that my pal who had loaned me her mittens last time I went snowshoeing (after I had panicked) had anticipated my need and left them in my mailbox as she was not going snowshoeing. Do you see what I mean?!?!

After snowshoeing for an hour and returning to the loop that led right back to Green Mountain, Kate asked if any of us wanted to go further through the “Logger’s Trail.” Two of us said yes and off my friend and I went with her through the most spectacular sites ever. Have you seen my pictures on Facebook? This was hands-down my favorite moment. At some point, Kate asked us if we wanted to remove our snowshoes so that we could power walk through the snow, so we did. It was incredible to feel the inches and inches of know beneath my feet and around my ankles (thank goodness I had boots!) – and what a work out! We climbed hills, walked through a grave yard and shared our life stories. We ended up adding another hour to our outing and I loved every second of it.

After a delicious dinner, I decided to forgo the field trip to paint pottery and instead stayed in to reflect on my trip here. I don’t think I need to say it (isn’t it obvious?): this trip will always hold a place in my heart as one of the most fun, thought-provoking and self-loving times of my life.

Goodbye, Green Mountain at Fox Run!

<3,

The Cranky One

After breakfast yesterday, I joined LynnAnn’s “upper body strength” class. We stood, sat on chairs & laid on aerobic steps (which were set up at an incline) for these exercises, which included bicep curls, tricep dips, chest press, bent over rows, and crunches (inc. obliques). We were instructed to choose one lighter weight and one heavier weight as certain muscles are naturally inclined to take more weight (like your chest). One thing about exercising here is the you always stretch before and after an exercise -and none of this 3-second stretching stuff. There is also a concentration on breathing, which is helpful because if you learn to exhale on the movement, you can propel yourself through exercises you never thought possible. I have to say they make the exercise environment here incredibly inviting. Everywhere you turn at Green Mountain at Fox Run, there are pitchers of ice-cold water. In the weight room, there are instructions next to each machine. Gotta love it!

After my upper body had its work out, I moved on to mental exercise with Darla’s class, “Messages from the Past,” which is a class on body positivity. This was intense. Darla started the class by reading the blog post, “Deah, just take off your damn shoe!” posted here on the site/blog, “Leftovers to Go.” We were all taken back to that time that we, too, found society’s message as a pebble in our shoe. We then completed a worksheet where we filled in our experience with our body at different time frames in our lives and what influential events & experiences coincided (or prompted) our perception of our body at these times. There is no doubt that the two life events that coincided with my most self-hate (& excess weight) were the time of my parents’ separation and high school. We were allowed to discuss our worksheet with the pal sitting at our table and I found that sharing allowed me to remove some of the burden of this knowledge while also feeling safe and understood. I guess that’s one of the greatest appeals of this place — you know that while everyone has unique struggles, perspectives & life experiences, they can all empathise. The last exercise of the class entailed us putting our hands on our heart, closing our eyes, then moving our hands to the area of our body we’re most critical of, and repeating a few different phrases to ourselves that Darla repeated. I put my hands on my stomach, which has, since a prepubescent child, been my main source of bodily frustration. I’m usually not inclined to like this kind of “close your eyes” stuff. I’m realizing I associate emotional behavior with lack of self-control as well as with mental illness (which I’ve witnessed). This may explain my inability to label my feelings. Anyhow, when Darla repeated the phrase, “I’m sorry I’ve been so mean to you,” the water works came on (and even now as I type, I feel my eyes welling up – jeez!). I feel angry. I’m angry that my first response toward myself has always been, “you’re not good enough,” or some sort of shaming or negativity. Wtf, Bella? But, as we learn here – we can start practicing self-love and make positivity the habit. It just takes time, practice & patience. I’m ready! Are you??????

After a 3-mile run in the gym and dinner, I, along with everyone else, had the pleasure of being instructed by the chefs on how to cook a variety of greens, including bok choy, ornamental (purple) kale, rabe & swiss chard. Most of the dishes included a couple teaspoons of olive oil, lemon, garlic, salt, pepper, shallots & rice vinegar. If you haven’t been following my Facebook page, then you may have missed that I am obsessed with Aaron’s cooking – he’s the vegetarian (since 8!) chef who’s been preparing all of my vegan meals with love. You can check out his site, Localvore Catering, here.

Check out our handsome chef crew, David & Aaron:

A few cool things I learned from the demonstration are:

• if you roll a lime or lemon, you release some of the membranes inside, making it easier to squeeze once you cut it open
• season high (literally. season from higher so that salt & pepper doesn’t just plop on one vegetable leaf)
• a shallot can be described as a red onion mixed with garlic and it’s used in a lot of vegan dishes because it has a buttery taste.

What a fun day!

…I can’t believe today is Friday and that tomorrow I leave.

<3,

The Cranky One

Because I’m much too tired to recap the amazeballs day I had today, I offer you the following:
photo via Mkosut

Sauteed Lemon Brussels Sprouts

Serves 4

• 2 cups Brussels sprouts
• 2 teaspoons olive oil
• salt & pepper to taste
• 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 teaspoon minced parsley

Trim base of Brussels sprouts and peel off leaves. This should yield about four cups of leaves. Heat a large saute pan over medium-heat. Add olive oil and then the Brussels sprout leaves. Stir and toss so as not to burn. As leaves begin to wilt, add the garlic and saute another minute or two. Season with salt and pepper, remove from heat and stir in the lemon juice and parsley. Serve hot. Yields “2 cups.”

Thanks, Green Mountain at Fox Run for the recipe!

Good night!

<3,

The Cranky One

Welcome to Day 4 of my Green Mountain at Fox Run diaries!

Work-outs today introduced participants to fitness tools they may have never seen before, such as:

• BOSU Ball
• Toning Ring aka Pilates ring
• Fitball
• Medicine Ball
• Resistance bands
• Aerobic Step

After breakfast, I took pilates with LynnAnn who was kind enough to type out our workout and give it to each of us so that we could take this practice home with us.

Pilates “ring” pictured (picture via Fitwoman.com)

This is the circuit we did:

• Push ups on the Fitball
• Wall squats on the Fitball
• Torso rotations with ring
• Push ups with ring
• Squats with ring
• Pilates roll ups with ring
• Reverse bridge on the Fitball
• Pelvic Tilts on the Fitball
• The Hundred (ring between the ankles on the mat)
• Relaxers (flow movements)

Fitball pictured (picture via Fitwoman.com)

The class was pretty low intensity, which is great because what followed, Kate’s “Aerobic Circuit Blast,” made me sweat like a fiend! Kate’s 16-part circuit included (non-exhaustive list): weighted squats/weighted squat jumps with medicine ball, push-ups, bouncing on a Fitball, jump roping/jumping jacks/burpees, squats on a Bosu ball, crunches on a mat, lunge kicks, upper cuts with resistance bands, chest press with resistance bands, squats with resistance bands & bicep curls with resistance bands. Each station was done for one minute; we did the entire circuit twice. Again, the beauty of this class was that everyone could go at their level – there were three different levels of resistance bands to choose from, the medicine balls were different weights, there were two aerobic steps, and we were taught modifications for each exercise. So, I chose the most difficult version of each exercise taught. At least three times, Kate came by and showed me a modification that was even more intense than the the already-intense one I was doing (this usually meant she added a jump, or asked me to do something in a more exaggerated way). I felt as worked out after this class as I do when I run for an hour (maybe more!). It was a great feeling

After lunch (by the way, have you been scoping out my meals here? Aren’t they insane?! I want to take this chef home or at least make sure he gets a book deal or competes on Top Chef), I went to “Stress & Relationships,“ led by Darla.

This was an interesting class for me because while I have a lot of work to do in setting limits and boundaries, the class also showed how much progress I’ve already made. Remember when I told you guys that in 2011, I “walked over the hot coals” and became assertive (not expecting others to read my mind)? That’s exactly what Darla proffered as the solution to feelings of disappointment from unmet expectations in relationships. First we have to check-in with ourselves and find the “picture” we’re carrying around that may represent our unconscious expectations. Once we gather that piece of info., we can ask – is this serving me? Many in the class were unsatisfied with the solution of asking explicitly for what they want from another person (to that person). For example, Darla stated, “if you want a hug, ask for it!” A few people remarked that if you ask for a hug and get it, you may feel it’s somehow insincere because you had to ask for it. If that belief works for them, I have nothing to say. But, I’m guessing it doesn’t. It took me some time to realize that all that bullshit Cosmo feeds you that you should give hints to people about things you want (both material and intangible) and that asking somehow decreases the value of what you receive is BS. I have never felt more fulfilled asking for what I want and getting it. Sure, you won’t always get it, but how good does it feel to a)  know yourself well enough to actually know what you want and b) have the bravery to ask for it? When I want a hug from my boyfriend, I ask for it and receive it. I know I’m oversimplifying a complicated issue, but I think it’s valuable to take back that power and be assertive

After dinner, we had the option to watch the documentary, “Fresh: New Thinking About What We’re Eating” or a recording of a stand up comedian (I’ll have to get his name–it escapes me!). Which one do you think I opted for?

The movie is about agricultural (environmental) & health sustainability and featured many of the same players you see in Food Inc. and in Michael Pollan books, including Joel Salatin (owner of Polyface Farms and mini-celeb amongst foodies) and Michael Pollan himself.

What I liked about Fresh is that it shows how people who simply follow their instinct – guided by nature’s blueprint – can actually be successful with unconventional farming techniques (i.e. organic & ecological) as opposed to conventional farming. And, bonus, they can actually be more financially viable! Joel, for example, lets his chickens revel in their “chickeness” and the cows in their “cowness.” This means the cows actually get to herd and graze on grass as they were meant to. Once the cows graze an area and do their busy work all over it, Joel guides the cows to another paddy and releases his hens on the area the cows just grazed on (& what do you think they pick at, thus helping fertilize the land? cow poop! Delicious!). For me, it’s most interesting and scary to think about antibiotics being give to animals and what that does from the bottom up (to the land, to the animal, to the person who consumes the animal) and it appears that if farmers actually withhold from giving their animals antibiotics they actually save money from vet bills (and save the consumer from potentially contracting a hyper-developed strain of a disease because antibiotic misuse means the animals just form rare strains of shit you don’t want to contract!).

I loved the inclusion of Will Allen, director of Growing Power, which is an urban farm in Milwaukee.  We talk a lot about food deserts and here’s a person who says, “food what?” by creating access to fresh produce in the center of a city!

If you’ve already seen Food Inc., you might not get much more out of this film, but if you haven’t then this one will give you some insight into sustainable farming (and will spare you from the gruesome footage of CAFOs, which appears in Food Inc. and other documentaries. Though…if you’re eating meat, you might consider subjecting yourself to it…).

My day’s play-by-play aside, one issue I’m facing here at Green Mountain at Fox Run is some discomfort with the whole not snacking at night thing. Prior to GMAFR, I had become very accustomed to eating the majority of my calories at night (this is also when I typically binge), so it’s actually a bit challenging for me to eat dinner at 6, have the option of a snack at 8, and then go to bed and stay asleep without the feeling of being full as I’m accustomed. I’m being patient and trying to figure out whether I’m feeling actual physical hunger or simply emotional hunger based on the habits I’ve built. I’m going to try to eat two pieces of fruit tomorrow around 8 and see if that helps.

<3,

The Cranky One

Thank you. Happy birthday, mom, I love you! I’ll be there for the celebration in spirit!

<3,

Bella

Do you know that I never leave the house without make-up? Did you know that I often wear high-heels or platforms to make myself appear thinner? Being here every day – often with no make-up, wearing sweats and tennis shoes, I feel closer to myself and actually feel more beautiful. This doesn’t mean I’m going to wear sweats to work everyday and never put mascara on again, but it means I’ve let go of my stringent habit of maintaining a facade at all times.

Is this the Green Mountain at Fox Run effect? Can this feeling last?

I’m convinced that self-love without contingency is possible. Am I there yet? No. But I’m hopeful. I think hope (in one’s self) is a HUGE step towards self-love.

The morning started with breakfast at 8 a.m. for me, though I had the option of a 7 a.m. “morning momentum” class. After breakfast, I took “Lower Body Conditioning 101″ with Kate (I would describe Kate as someone who is incredibly beautiful and down to earth with a contagious positive spirit). We used our body weight in this class and did basic moves like squats, leg lifts, pelvic thrusts (is there a more technical name for these?), calf raises, crunches and lunges. There was simultaneously a class on lower body conditioning with machines taught by LynnAnn but in a different room. I think classes like these are so important ESPECIALLY for beginners. Do you remember when you were afraid to go to the gym or to do any body-weight work-out because you didn’t even know where to start, let alone anything about proper form?! It took me getting fit to get the courage to go to the gym and that’s just wrong. And, even though the class I took was a “101″ class, my ass still got handed to me (that’s the beauty of using your body weight and having the ability to exaggerate a move).

Next was a mental challenge: “Nurturing the Whole Self” taught by Darla Breckenridge, who is Green Mountain at Fox Run‘s psychologist. I expected I would love Darla because people told me I would, but I knew I’d love her after 5 minutes into her chat when she mentioned that it’s important to use words that we believe and that resonate with us when defining our own version of “self nurturing.” Why did I enjoy that so much? I’m a firm believer that our diction plays a huge role in how we can effect or hinder both personal and societal change. Just ask my bosses So, I appreciated that. Darla’s discussion centered on squashing negative self-talk with thought-stopping and positive affirmations. She discussed habit formation and how it’s easier to add something to our lives, such as a positive affirmation every time we complete a particular task, than to take something away (such as our propensity to call ourselves ‘fat’). It’s about making self-care the habit and building a new neuropathway over time (takes 300 repetitions!). We were asked to answer the following, to help us pave the way for some positive affirmations we may choose to make habit:

• one thing I like about myself is ______
• one thing I’m good at is ______
• I am ______ (quality)

I invite you to answer those for yourself and to believe them.

My 5 biggest take-aways from Darla’s discussion were:

1. move away from judgment and harsh self-talk. treat yourself as you would a child – with forgiveness and compassion (“take the blame out. the blame is much worse than the pie!” – Darla)
2. “No one has done the research to prove that when you criticize people, they change their behavior!” – Darla. So don’t think that by belittling yourself for a behavior you’re doing yourself any favors! [shall we send this golden nugget to Strong4Life?]
3. we need to take the time to re-connect with ourselves – we can use breathing to connect to the body, we can use affirmations and self-love to connect with the mind, we can use an activity of being that brings us to our spiritual & creative selves (music is a good one).
4. emotional eating is habitual. you can create a new habit for dealing with that emotion.
5. “you are something beyond what you did” – Darla

Golden nuggets, right?

Later, I took “Identify your Personal Eating Style” with Robyn where I found out that my eating style correlates with the “diet mentality eater” more than it does with that of the emotional eater, the chaotic eater or the dysregulated eater. It makes sense, but I still found it surprising.

We learned about food optioning, which allows you to eat the things you love and also take the power away from food. One thing that Robyn repeatedly said, which I loved, was, “it can’t hurt to experiment to find what’s going to work for you.” I immediately think people are more credible when they advocate that each person take her own journey to self-discovery (no cookie-cutter approaches here!).

We learned general strategies for dealing with each type of behavior, but understood that they overlap (and that again we should experiment). I found the following useful and easily translatable to other areas of our lives:

Four Stages of Changing Emotional Eating (though I imagine this would work for any sort of compulsion)

1. Unconscious emotional eating
2. Conscious emotional eating (I’m guessing this is where “mindful binges” would fall)
3. Conscious choice of alternatives
4. Unconscious (habit! building new neuropathways!)

After my brain had a work-out there was nothing left to do but give my body one, too, so I tried snowshoeing for the first time! It is one of the funnest activities ever! I’m sure part of the appeal and draw was the scenery…

An additional thing I’ve learned about myself over this trip is that I’m very panicky. First the plane incident. Then the mitten incident. What was the mitten incident, you ask? Well, I was wearing thin little rinky-dink knit gloves and soon convinced myself I was getting frost bite because I couldn’t feel my fingers. So, I started to haul ass and kept making fists with my hands. Thankfully a pal offered to switch my gloves for her mittens as she was used to the cold weather and was already warm. It’s no wonder a few people here call me “California”

If you’ve never snowshoed, you’ll have to try it! It’s like wearing strap-on flippers that have traction which makes it easy to plow through the snow. With the actual inches of snow beneath us, and the several hills, it was quite a work out!

After snowshoeing, I relaxed for a bit then decided to relax further with “Gentle Yoga,” taught my Barbara. It was very peaceful and slow-mo – no cardio mixed in like my Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown DVD We did moves like downward dog, sun salutations, table pose, plank, upward boat and more basic poses. A great way to prep for dinner. By this time I actually felt hungry. And, I’ll be honest, feeling hungry is not something I can typically identify.

Tonight there was the option of a stress management class with Darla, which I would have loved to take, but I decided, instead, to wind down, blog and get ready for bed. I call it managing stress

My favorite part of the day, hands down, was dinner. I’ll tell you one of the things I enjoy most is hearing other people’s stories. I am truly enlivened and heartened by the presence of so many intelligent and compassionate women. And, it’s nice to spend time with people who share my struggles in some way or who can truly empathize.

What a lovely day to be.

<3,

The Cranky One