Whenever I hear anyone touting his/her lifestyle as the “right” one, I get a twitch in my eye.

Yes, I eat a plant-based diet, but I hesitate to use the word “vegan” because that implies that I do not eat or use things that cause animals harm and I recognize that the very act of consumption kills things both directly and indirectly. This is to say that I don’t believe my diet is morally or nutritionally superior to others. It is a personal choice.  This warrants a separate post, so I’ll just leave it at this: I abstain from eating meat (all), dairy, cheese, and eggs as much as I can tell based on food labels and that is my only discrimination. I am still torn on animal testing (I know that is a shocker to many vegans) and I did not go vegan to lose weight (and have not lost more than 10 lbs as a vegan, which I’ve since gained back, FYI); I did not go vegan as an “animal rights activist.” I chose to eat a vegan diet because it was one small way that I could align what I found as a critical thinker with my actions.

So, when I hear my fellow plant-strong eaters engaging in fat-shaming in what appears to be a widely shared belief that vegan diets yield thin bodies, I get angry.

The above video on “fake obesity experts” put together by a vegan group is bullshit. Let me tell you why:

• all “obesity experts” are frauds to a degree! how so? Obesity is simply a term for those who have a weight-to-height ratio of 30+, with those being at the severely higher levels having higher correlation (not causation) for type II diabetes; however, very rarely will an obesity expert tell you the truth, which is that weight is a symptom and not a behavior (which is why smoking is not the same as being fat); even more rarely will they tell you that being overweight has been found to be protective! In fact, in many cases, those who are overweight have been found to have lower mortality rates than those who are”normal” or “underweight.” Read here for more on the truth about obesity. If obesity is a focus on weight-to–height ratio, rather than health, how much of an “expert” can one really be?
• how one looks is not a good proxy for what type of “health” he/she is in. This sort of logic is dangerous and reminiscent of phrenology(you know – that old-school racist and classist measurement of “intelligence” by measuring someone’s skull?)
• the person(s) behind this video clearly does not know what “overweight” and “obesity” actually mean because several of the people featured would actually be considered obese by BMI standards (which, if you believe as they do – that BMI is a measure of health – would only further their bullshit argument). This IS important however at detracting from their argument in the sense that they don’t realize overweight is typically PROTECTIVE and plenty of fit and healthy people are overweight and obese (and plenty of thin people are unhealthy).
• Just because a doctor or nutritionist is vegan AND slim does not mean that he/she has the key to health. In fact, many of the doctors listed in the description of the YouTube video as the “real obesity experts” (which, apparently, is simply by virtue of them being vegan and thin) actually differ in what they promote as the “right” diet. Some of these gurus recommend that people abstain from oils (even olive) because they are “processed” and calorie-dense while others embrace the consumption of oil.
• Whomever put together this video forgets one true tenet to health: to each her own (i.e. we are all working with a myriad of factors determining how we should eat for optimal health. Some shouldn’t/can’t eat gluten; some don’t eat soy; etc.). Not to mention: health comes in a variety of shapes and sizes! Going plant-based does not invariably lead to less of you!
• It completely boggles my mind that so many “vegans” are weightist. I got into a bit of a scuffle once with a vegan chef who applauded PCRM’s fat-shaming ads and I am still stunned. I see veganism as an extension of my critical thinking and my love for dissecting social constructs. The mainstream view that torturing animals for food is “natural” is in the same line of “logic” as believing we should rid our world of fat people. Just think about how animal-rights-activism can be traced in the same lineage as those who fought for the abolition of slavery and for women’s rights. It’s time we ALL realize fat acceptance is a CIVIL right and is in the same lineage as other rights for EQUALITY. Fat acceptance is already gracing our textbooks on critical theory (thank the HEAVENS for critical thinkers and dissenters) and the sooner “compassionate” people look in the mirror to see their own discriminatory and elitist beliefs, the better off we’ll all be.

Stop alienating fat people, vegans!

<3,

The Cranky One

Updated

Hey guys! As you know, I am very interested in the different frames we use when discussing obesity, health and beauty. A decade ago, I was interested solely in losing weight. I had been indoctrinated into a belief system whereby fat is morally reprehensible, ugly and something to “fix.” Once I “fixed” my fatness, I still felt “fat.” Why? The answer to that question is complex and warrants a dedicated post, but think about it- if you identify yourself as something and your place in the world hinges on this identity, even if the physical descriptor changes, you still feel this way. So, even if you are suddenly getting the benefits of a new-found thinness – you may still feel “othered” simply by virtue of the memory. Or, like me, you may be resentful toward a world that scorned you and see the new “benefits” of “thin” as artificial, shallow and conditional. Or, as I now worry, is my ability to maintain a significant weight loss playing into the belief that all fat people should try to lose weight too?

Anyhow, this is all to say even in the age of seamless technology, mobility and instantaneous access to information, we’re certainly not in an age of reason. If we look at the way we view obesity and fatness, we can quickly see that our nation’s disposition for othering and disenfranchising people based on physical characteristics, is still alive and well.

Despite the recent study that made headlines about less women dieting, the weight loss industry is expected to grow 4.5% in 2013, to a value of $66.5 billion. The reason for this seeming contradiction is, we presume, that less women are calling diets “diets” and instead using the phrase “lifestyle change,” which as I’ve mentioned before is baloney and Judith Matz does a great job at pointing that out too. I’d like to take a moment to draw attention to a HARO query from NBC reporting on this study that sought “a woman who is sick of dieting and refused to diet.. must not be obese.” Why do you think? Honestly, think about it.

So, why is the weight loss industry going to continue to grow? This is simple though the press release linked above says it for me: “as consumer discretionary income increases, new diet drugs enter the market, and the large players such as Weight Watchers boost enrollments. We see good growth in medical programs, and heavy advertising that should fuel demand.” What it doesn’t seem to grasp is how profitable stigma is. So much so, that even if consumer “discretionary income” does not increase, we will still see the industry boom because doctors, government, et al, will continue to bully citizens into thinking that if they are fat, they are bad people, a drain on society and must be “fixed” at all costs. For example, check this out:

[seen here] Not yet on the market or FDA-approved, this rudimentary stomach pump may soon find its way into your doctor’s office. Clincal trials have been, and continue to be, conducted. Basically, you eat, and then pump your food out (participants have noted that many foods get stuck).

As someone who was bulimic for a year…and as someone who is a HUMAN BEING….this depresses and angers me. What messages do we continue to get about obesity?

• you must lose weight at all costs, even if it means acquiring an eating disorder to lose weight or killing yourself from said eating disorder
• if you don’t take an “all or nothing” approach to weight-loss, you are a gluttonous, lazy, immoral, drain on society
• As Caitlin from Fit & Feminist mentions in the comments section, we’re continually told to distrust our bodies and to see food as this necessary evil that should be manipulated for the sake of weight loss, rather than to see food as just plain NECESSARY. Rather than learning to listen to our own biological hunger & satiation cues, we learn to fear our bodies for being these behemoths that need food. Caitlin writes: “I feel like our whole culture has lost touch with the fact that food/calories/nutrition are essential parts of our existence and instead replaced it with this video-game mentality where you try to see just how few calories you ingest (and if that means taking in grody faux-food chemicals in the process, so be it), with the ultimate goal being to, I don’t know, live off Cheeto-scented air or something.”

Or, take it from the Biggest Loser, which continues to teach viewers that fat people deserve to be shamed and nearly killed all in the name of a purported health goal. If you haven’t read Dr. Freedhoff’s piece here, please do. It shows how watching people shame fat people can actually influence you, the viewer, to also view fat people as in need of shaming. What’s interesting from a weight-loss/maintenance perspective is the recorded inability of BL participants to keep weight off for an extended period of time (with physiological reasons for this being found & documented). If you’re familiar with set-point theory, this is no surprise. By the way, if you haven’t read Biggest Loser participant Kai Hibbard’s tell-all on Golda’s blog, here, go for it!

What is frightening to me is that many doctors don’t seem to care much for ethics. They’ve been too long locked in the laboratory of their Ivy Towers to learn much critical theory or to really consider how larger forces shape “research,” “science” and the reasons we frame things the way we do. For example, this bioethicist believes we should all shame fat people into losing weight, as politely as possible. Or, perhaps, many doctors are too comfortable getting kick-backs and grants from the weight loss industry and Big Pharma.

Something else to pay attention to in 2013, and I’ve written about this before, is how Big Food will play into and frame its role in obesity. If Coca-Cola is any indication, Big Food will continue to draw attention to how it has lowered calories and shift blame back to the consumer, noting the same bullshit we’ve heard before: it’s calories in, versus calories out; if you don’t want to be fat and yet still want a Coke, have a Coke, but eat 160 calories less, or, better yet, have as much Diet Coke as you want! Coke introduced two new ads recently – one called “Coming Together,” which congratulates the beverage industry for coming together to “combat obesity” (god, I love that phrase >;( ). How? By offering more low- and zero-calorie beverages. According to Coke, the average calories in products made by the beverage industry is down 22%. Wow, congrats, you guys! You found a way to feed Americans shitty drinks, pat yourselves on the backs, and then put onus back onto the consumer.  The second ad, called “Be Ok,” highlights the ways that you can burn the calories in a Coke. Because the horrors of obesity can be solved if people simply KNEW how to burn 160 calories. *bangs head against wall* If you’ve read my review of What’s Wrong with Fat? you can see that Coke, of course, takes obesity for granted by participating in the public health dialogue.

So, in 2013, consumers will undoubtedly continue to demonize Big Food…

HYPERBOLE, HYPERBOLE, FAT, HYPERBOLE

…And I feel conflicted about it. In one breath, I get it – Big Food is an insidious monolith that in many ways holds us captive (you can see above that clearly I despise Coke). In another breath, if we’re demonizing Big Food for making us fat, I can’t get on board because it just furthers fat-shaming, sanctioned discrimination, and governmental intervention. I suppose I despise Big Food for its spin. As a PR person, I can smell spin from a mile away (and perhaps this is reflective of my own inner conflict about what PR typically entails) – but I despise when companies jump on the obesity-fear-mongering wagon. Why? Because it usually means they will reformulate products to be low-cal and/or low-fat (and chock-full of artificial shit) and then call it a “solution” to obesity. This all, of course, furthers the myth that a) obesity is a legitimate health threat and b) that the solution is all about “energy balance.”

Another thing to notice is how Big Food continues to co-opt messages that might otherwise put them out of business. For example, Special K has craftily began a messaging campaign whereby they are not selling “diets” with their Special K, no no, they are selling body-positive messages by stealing fat-activist Marilyn Wann’s “Yay! Scales.” So even though their slogan is “what will you gain when you lose?” they depict women getting on scales that read out positive phrases and attributes rather than their weight.

Kellogg’s spokesperson Jesper Lund Jacobsen said, “It truly is not what the numbers on the scale read, but how you feel about yourself that allows you to project beauty and confidence to the world.” So then why are they selling weight loss? It’s like being a company that sells skin bleaching agents and then has their PR rep say, “it truly is not the color of your skin that matters, but how you feel about yourself …” So then why the eff are you selling a product that tells me otherwise?! Why is Special K selling low-calorie shit products so that you can lose 6 pounds in a week? It’s one of those sly marketing techniques where instead of saying what they’re actually selling (an eating disorder? shitty artificial foods?), they tell people they are selling a feeling. Can you even do that? Yes, that’s what profitable companies do! This is why they invest tons of money in PR and ad campaigns. Think about why someone spends tons of money on name-brand clothes; it’s rarely because of the “quality” of the actual clothes, but rather the feeling of having those clothes.

You can read more about the co-opting of body-positive messaging by Special K here. And, while you’re at it, you can read more about the truth behind Special K here.

If you think “nutrition” is a cut-and-dry science itself, consider how easily experiments can be manipulated to produce specific results or how those who we trust to tell us what is nutritious can be bought out by Big Food (sometimes unknowingly). For example,  The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics (AND), the world’s largest organization of food and nutrition professionals, is sponsored by Abbot Nutrition, Aramark, Coca-Cola, The Hershey Center for Health and Nutrition, National Dairy Council, General Mills, Kellogg’s, PepsiCo, and Unilever. And, anti-obesity sentiment makes it easy for Big Food, as I’ve shown, to get a green light from people – even Registered Dietitians – because they play on our collective fear of, and disdain for, fat to tell us how they’re cutting calories. You can read more about this here. And, remember, even the govt is in bed with special interests. Just look at the USDA and its love for dairy.

So, as the first month of 2013 wanes and we look to the future of 2013, remember not to take anything for granted as “fact.” Remember to “follow the money” and to question “research.” Remember that health is a personal endeavor. Most of all? Remember this: when you feel shame about your body, there’s usually a classist and sexist hegemony at stake and invested in keeping you shamed and compliant…

<3,

The Cranky One

Hey guys!

It’s no secret that I am obsessed with Daiya cheese and specifically obsessed with making quesadillas with it. When I found out that Trader Joe’s was coming out with their own version of vegan cheese, I was stoked because I have to travel to Whole Foods for Daiya when TJ’s is closer (and also my predominant grocery store). While Daiya has three flavors on the market (mozzarella style, cheddar style & pepper jack style – “style” being the indicator that it’s not really cheese, but, rather, cheese-like), Trader Joe’s has thus far only come out with a mozzarella-style flavor.

I wanted to do an apples-to-apples comparison, so I bought a mozzarella-style version of both brands and decided to rate on the following characteristics:

• Meltability
• Stretchability
• Taste
• Ingredients

Here’s how they compare aesthetically, which is not one of the factors I’m rating:

Trader Joe’s mozzarella style shreds (L) versus Daiya’s mozzarella style shreds (R)

Trader Joe’s meltability is a 10. It freaking melts and it melts more quickly than Daiya.

Trader Joe’s stretchability is a 5. It stretches, but it stretches in a clumpy gross way and once it gets on your fingers it’s like glue.

Clearly, I am not a food critic lol.

Daiya’s meltability is a 7. It melts, but slower than TJ’s version and it requires a little “help” (i.e. I flatten it so the oil seeps out and creates the melt factor.

Daiya’s stretchability is an 8. It stretches and how delicious does it look?

Now, the factors that really matter cannot be photographed (well, I guess I could photograph my facial expressions to the taste, but, alas, just imagine).

Taste:

Trader Joe’s mozzarella-style vegan cheese comes out the package much like Parmesan cheese. It has a chalky, stale texture. What’s worse? …. It tastes like Parmesan cheese mixed with mayonnaise mixed with foot. It is atrocious. I couldn’t finish the quesadilla because I was too busy gagging. This why my whole rating system is bogus anyway because once you taste the cheese, the meltability & strechability factor only reminds you that it “melts” because it looks and tastes like mayo. Blegh! Taste = 0.

Daiya’s mozzarella-style vegan cheese comes out the bag a bit greasy. It’s the oil, after all, that makes it melty and stretchy. When eaten, however, it tastes like heaven. It has this mellow, genuine mozzarella flavor, that is divine. I could eat it all day. I could even eat it straight from the bag. Taste = 10!

Ingredients for Daiya mozzarella-style:

Filtered water, tapioca and/or arrowroot flours, non-GMO expeller pressed canola and /or non-GMO expeller pressed safflower oil, coconut oil, pea protein, salt, vegan natural flavors, inactive yeast, vegetable glycerin, xanthan gum, citric acid (for flavor), titanium dioxide (a naturally occurring mineral).

Nutrition facts for Daiya mozzarella-style:

Serving size 1 oz (28g/about 1/4 cup): 90 calories, 6g fat, 2g sat fat, 280mg sodium, 7g carbs, 1g fiber, 0g sugars, 1g protein

Ingredients for TJ’s mozzarella-style:

water, canola oil, cornstarch, vegetable glycerin, arrowroot starch, tricalcium phosphate, pea protein, salt, natural vegan flavors, rice maltodextrin, lactic acid (non-dairy), sunflower lecithin, xanthan gum, annatto (color), powdered cellulose (to prevent caking)

Nutrition facts for TJ’s mozzarella-style:

Serving size 1 oz (28g/about 1/4 cup): 90 calories, 6g fat, 0g sat fat, 201mg sodium, 7g carbs, 0g fiber, 0g sugars, 1g protein

So, you can see the “cheeses” are very similar in nutrition profiles with Daiya having more sat. fat and sodium than TJ’s, though boasting 1g fiber per serving whereas TJ’s has none. I’d say I’m satisfied equally with these nutrition profiles.

All in all? Daiya for the win. TJ’s, sorry, but I almost-literally vomit when I think of your vegan cheese.

I used Daiya this weekend when I cooked for my mom’s birthday party, which my boyfriend and I hosted.
I made three types of enchiladas though all had a sweet potato base. The variations were add black beans, vegan chorizo & Daiya. Pictured is a version with black beans, sweet potato, & vegan chorizo. The enchilada sauce is the pre-made kind from Trader Joe’s which is vegan (though not gluten-free).

Get in mah belly!

Ok, spill, have you tried either cheese? What are your thoughts?

<3,

The Cranky One

Hey guys!

I’ve been meaning to tell you allllll about this book I’ve recently read and absolutely loved. And, here I am, over a week later, but, alas, it’s been a crazy past couple of weeks, especially last week since we completed employee reviews at work. It took me 5 hours to fill out a self-evaluation and my direct manager, the CEO of the company, also filled one out on me so we were able to see where we’re aligned and where there are discrepancies in our perceptions and values/priorities. I think one of the greatest benefits of working at a start-up is the ability (if not push) you have to grow. I have never been more consistently uncomfortable and forced outside of my bubble than at this job. Because of this – I have grown immensely as a person and a professional.It would probably take me triple the time to learn as much at a typical corporate job where all the infrastructure is in place and where creativity is stifled due to bureaucratic protocols.

Have any of you ever done these types of reviews? I’ve previously done reviews at companies, but never found them helpful. I remember being reviewed by an HR manager, rather than my boss, and she had absolutely no idea what I did, so her basis for my review was whether I clocked in and out on time and how much overtime I did. Lame. Anyway, I’d love your input and insight.

So, back to this book I’ve been dying to share — I recently finished Dr. Abigail Saguy‘s book, What’s Wrong with Fat? and thought it did an incredible job at diving into obesity from a sociological and rhetorical perspective.

Dr. Saguy starts with helping her readers understand that obesity is a “frame” not a fact. What this means is that “obesity” is a perspective on fat whereby it (fat) is pathologized and this frame encourages us to pay attention to certain aspects of a situation while obscuring (if not overwriting) others.

The three main frames we use to view fat are: as immoral, as a medical problem and as a public health crisis. The three predominant ways to contest these frames, according to Dr. Saguy. are: fat as beautiful, fat as consistent with health (Health At Every Size(R)), and fat as a basis for (civil) rights claims. What we see above in the illustration is that when we view fat through a “problem frame” (that is  assuming, falsely, that fat is inherently unhealthy & undesirable), there are three predominant “blame frames” we use: personal responsibility, society (sociocultural), and biology.

A perfect example of this would be HBO’s Weight of the Nation, which clearly frames fat as a problem by endorsing its pathology via “obesity” and deeming it a medical and public health crisis. It employed all three “blame frames” at different points in the film (i.e. it’s this person’s fault for eating too much, this person is living in a poor neighborhood and only has access to fast food so it’s society’s fault, and this person has “fat genes” so he/she is predisposed to be fat). As Dr. Saguy confirmed, however, one “blame frame” is used most predominantly in the media and in our scientific discussions (and in this “documentary”). Which do you think it is?

Personal responsibility. (Next is sociocultural and 3rd is biological).

This is incredibly interesting because it’s not the same way in other countries. For example, in France, obesity blame is placed more fairly between all three frames (though it is still framed as a problem). In the US, however, our neoliberalism – that is our desire to shift responsibility for our collective welfare from the government to the person, at an individual level – is what propels the sentiment that if one is fat (if “fat” is being framed as a problem), he or she should just pick him/herself up by the bootstraps and gain some goddarned self control.

The other thing to think about is which frame carries more monetary and cultural authority. The debate over the best way to discuss body size does not take place on an even playing field because there are huge industries and profits invested in proffering particular frames. For example, the $60B weight-loss industry is invested in society seeing corpulence as a medical and public health threat (as well as an undesirable aesthetic) that can be changed with enough will power (and consumer dollars). Confirmation biases within the media and scientific communities continue to propel this belief. The International Obesity Task Force (a lobbying group funded by pharmaceutical companies), obesity researchers and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are also invested and key in this blame frame.

Alternately, size-acceptance groups and activists who want to reframe corpulence as potentially parallel with health and as a civil rights issue are working with considerably less money and authority.

What I found most useful about Dr. Saguy’s approach is the language she gives us to help us understand what our diction implies and how this governs the actions we take (and the consequences we face based on the diction we tend to favor).

For example, Dr. Saguy writes: “uncritical reliance on a medical and public health crisis frame of corpulence leads us to emphasize the risks associated with overweight and obesity, while glossing over the health risks associated with ‘underweight’ or ‘normal weight,’ as well as those cases where being ‘overweight’ or ‘obese’ seems to be protective of health. This begs a social, not a medical explanation.”

To put it simply – most of us are conflating and mis-using a lot of terms, and this has real-world consequences. I can’t tell you how many times I overhear people say “obese” when they really mean “fat” (because clearly they have not measured the BMI of said “obese” person). Obese = medical definition based on BMI; same with “overweight.” Fat is a much more malleable term. However, what we so rarely realize/discuss is how fat can be protective; how obesity is not a death sentence and how normal weight and underweight could be just as easily sensationalized.

What is also incredibly intriguing about this book is Dr. Saguy‘s introduction of labelling theory which raises the question: how do our labels affect us? This is something we rarely ask: but is our obsession with obesity bad for our health?

Questions to think about:

• How and why has fatness been medicalized as “obesity” in the first place?
• By focusing on “obesity,” what other interpretations of fat are we shutting out?
• Since there is evidence that there are health risks associated with higher body mass, with the the clearest case being Type 2 diabetes, what should our approach be? The relation is correlatory not causal – is that enough?
• Why is obesity framed from a “personal responsibility” blame-frame most predominantly? Can we think of other situations where a form of self-identity is labelled as “bad” and conversion “solutions” are offered?
• If there is evidence that obese patients with heart disease or diabetes have been shown to have lower mortality rates than their thinner counterparts, why is this called an “obesity paradox”? What does that assume about our perception of obesity?
• What is our obsession with weight and obesity costing us?
• How has our view of corpulence changed over time? how does it differ from other countries?

If you have a body, get this book. Once you start questioning your stance and presumptions about body size and health, you’ll start to unravel what is a very complicated (and perhaps insidious) web of influence and consequences. And, you’ll probably ask, as I do, if we accept the problem-frame of corpulence and its predominant blame-frame of personal responsibility – what’s next?

Thoughts?

<3,

The Cranky One

p.s. Check out Dr. Saguy‘s Facebook page here

p.p.s. you can listen to Dr. Saguy on NPR here

The other night I was laying in bed having trouble feeling relaxed enough to sleep.

I concentrated on my breathing as any Buddhist meditationist would tell me.

But instead of allowing the concentration on the ebb and flow of my breathing to lull me to sleep, I skipped straight from my breathing to my heart beat.

This is a natural jump for me.

Is my heart beat normal?

The question is not a new one. Panic attacks have made me very aware of my heart and heart beat and I have this sort of subconscious, no, wait, it’s completely overt, fear that I’m going to have a heart attack (even though the ER doctor…how ever many months ago that was…told me that I would make the Guinness Book of World Records if I did have one…).

I guess that’s Type A for you. If anyone can die from a heart attack at a young age, it would be me. Overachiever til the end, literally.

So I lay there.

Hmm…did my heart just skip a beat?

The panic starts to set in. I think my heart beat is funky. My stress keeps messing with me. I am going to have a heart attack.

*places fingers on pulse*

Hmm….

*places hand on heart”

Aww crap, I don’t think my heart is beating any more.

Did I just die?

*slowly gets out of bed, holding breath, walks toward boyfriend, whose back is facing me, while he stands in front of the fridge, door ajar*

Me, in a whisper: “Can you see me?”

Boyfriend, turns around: “yessss”

Me: “oh, okay, good, I thought I was dead.”

This is my life this week! Have you seen the movie “Sleep Walk with Me“? I hope I can turn my melodrama into a comedy routine ‘cuz once I found out I wasn’t dead, I was dying. With laughter. Ya know?

<3,

The Cranky One

Hey guys!

Happy New Year! There’s been a LOT of talk via various media outlets about a recent meta-analysis conducted of studies related to BMI and published in JAMA titled, “Association of All-Cause Mortality With Overweight and Obesity Using Standard Body Mass Index Categories.” Basically, the researchers studied studies (hence why it’s called a meta analysis) to draw generalizations about mortality related to BMI.

The results: “Relative to normal weight, both obesity (all grades) and grades 2 and 3 obesity were associated with significantly higher all-cause mortality. Grade 1 obesity overall was not associated with higher mortality, and overweight was associated with significantly lower all-cause mortality. The use of predefined standard BMI groupings can facilitate between-study comparisons.”

Of course, this study stirred up a shit-storm of controversy because it supposedly counters the mainstream belief that you cannot be overweight or obese and not be at higher risk for death than say someone who is not fat. We all know that’s bullshit. Or do we? Based on how people reacted to this study, it’s clear that so many of us still have our heads up our collective arses.

Anyhow, here’s a sampling of the responses:

• “Big Deal: You Can Be Fat & Fit” by Marilyn Wann (fat activist & author of FAT!SO?) on CNN.com here. Marilyn discusses fat discrimination, the idea that we can be fit and fat (Health at Every Size(R)), and the medical hindrances that people of size face. We rarely ask whether fat stigma is itself to blame for many of our health issues, so I’m so happy to see she got this on the map (again).
• Dr. Sharma blogged about the study here noting that in a similar meta-analysis of data compiled in Canada (of US data), they found that “when it comes to mortality, what matters most is how ‘sick’ you are, not how ‘big’ you are.” And: “Neither BMI nor waist circumference were much use in predicting mortality – but whether or not you had hypertension, diabetes, or sleep apnea was.” Don’t we all know that BMI is a useless tool by now? So why are we using it as if it were a valuable piece of information? Did you know kids are now getting sent home with BMI report cards?!
• Paul Campos – author of one of my favorite books on obesity politics, The Obesity Myth- wrote a New York Times op-ed called, “Our Absurd Fear of Fat” here. He does a great job, per usual, describing the vested interests the govt and Big Pharma (et al) have in perpetuating this fear of fat.
• Dr. David Katz responded to Paul Campos in the Huffington Post here. Some great points by Dr. Katz on the limitations of the study: “A meta-analysis is never any better than the studies it is aggregating. In this case, those studies merely looked at the population-level association between the body mass index, itself a rather crude measure of body fat — which is what really matters — and death rate. The first, obvious limitation of this study is that it examined mortality (death) but not morbidity (illness).” And then the rest of his piece goes to hell because while he does say that BMI is bogus and that we should focus more on health than weight he ends with your typical alarmist obesity-crisis rally cry. I’ve always felt conflicted about everything he’s ever written for this very reason. It’s like saying, “don’t focus on weight! here’s my diet plan…”

So what do I think?

I think more of us should be asking questions than taking a position. Why does the government, for example, think obesity is its #1 health concern, but not, say, stress or the depressed economy? What is health to you and how intricate and complex is it really? If you lost 10 pounds, would that better your station in life? Why? Etc.

I know it’s big in the Health At Every Size(R) community to demand, “show me the evidence” when it comes to the supposed perils of obesity, but I honestly care less about obesity from a medical and evidentiary standpoint and more about it as a social issue – as a representation of how we, as a society, can manufacture the “look” of health and then hold everyone accountable to these standards. Worse, we can – and do – discriminate against those who do not meet them in HUGE ways – for example with health benefits, jobs (i.e. the essentials to life, if we’re talking about it from a Maslowian perspective). Whether you are poor, rich, white, black, woman, man, you are expected to make the look of health your responsibility. If you do not, you are considered morally reprehensible and a drain on society.

The idea that health is a moral imperative is tricky in and of itself because, clearly, “health” is very subjective and personal. Worse – if health is an imperative for access to civil rights and basic human services, where do we stand as a society? And, yes, let’s be real – most of the research does show that there is a correlation between higher body mass and type II diabetes (I am being specific here because higher body mass does not yield higher correlation to ALL disease and, as we’ve seen, it can be protective in many populations!), but correlation is not the same as causation. We should ask then, what other correlations do we know about and how do we treat those? There is a correlation between people with yellow teeth and lung disease. Does this mean that all people who have yellow teeth should be taxed higher? Denied health care?

And, yet, the very government that gives us these standards for “health” (i.e. health = BMI) is the same govt that is endangering our health (FDA’s lackadaisical approval process; USDA’s grain & dairy love and fruit/veg “equivalencies” are bologna (many people cannot tolerate our drought-resistant wheat varieties; why is a fruit-juice equivalent to a fruit? Why are farmers’ interests and lobbyists determining our dietary standards?), our health care system is horrendous and many of us do not have insurance – or a job -etc.; you get the picture. Why should we trust them? What are other options? Question. Question. Question.

And, many of us, blinded and dying to fit in (and/or to access society’s resources reserved for those who fit in), internalize the message that if we do not look thin (whatever that looks like; this is problematic in and of itself) there is something wrong with us. What happens to our health when we believe we are bad? This is why I am happy to see more and more activists asking “what is the price of fat stigma?”

Any of us who believe we are not a part of the obesity crisis because our BMIs do not fall on the overweight or obese categories should just recall that the NIH/CDC can change the definition and overnight we can become one of “them.” And if it’s not your body weight today, perhaps it will be your height tomorrow. If we do not respect the civil rights of all people, none of us are free.

To get back to the question then, can you be fat and healthy? Yes, of course you can. But it sure is hard – not necessarily because it may increase risk of certain diseases (“may” being the key here), but because you have to deal with the added weight of stigma and the potential hindrances that places on access to proper healthcare.

I’ll be posting a book review tomorrow of Dr. Abigail Saguy’s new book What’s Wrong with Fat?  You can get a glimpse of her beliefs in this op-ed she recently had published in the Los Angeles Times called, “Why We Diet” here. It’s a perfect introduction to her writing style and the issues she covers in her book. My favorite part is her call to action: “…if you are trying to change your body to shield against discrimination and stigma, consider making a different kind of New Year’s resolution: to stand up to intolerance and bigotry in all its various forms, whether racism, sexism or fatphobia.” YES! 100x YES!

<3,

The Cranky One

Hey guys!

Two of my most popular posts are my sample vegan meal plan and my Daniel-Craig-inspired high-fat, high-protein vegan meal plan, so I’m taking it that people like meal plans, eh? I’ve grappled with whether I want to produce meal plans because they can very easily be used as “diet plans.” However, that is not my intention and I would hate to forgo providing something that may be useful to people who need some guidance figuring out how and/or what to eat that is vegan and/or gluten-free (since my diet these days is vegan and predominantly gluten-free). So, I’ve put together the following sample meal plan and offered some suggestions for additional snacks. Remember – this is just an outline meant to be used to get your own thoughts flowing — I don’t think 1800-ish calories is “good” or “bad” – it’s all relative and dependent on a myriad of factors. Please remember that I am not a doctor or dietitian! I’m just some cranky ass behind a computer screen who, as my mom put it via text yesterday, writes in a “painfully honest” way

Vegan and Gluten-Free Meal Plan

Other things to think about:

• how do you feel after eating certain foods? Do you feel energized? Bloated and gassy? Start listening!
• what do you really want to eat?
• are you eating slowly and savoring your food?
• are you eating until you are satisfied instead of until you are full?

Enjoy! Please leave any suggestions, questions, etc. in the comments.

<3,

The Cranky One

Hey guys!

I hope the holiday season has been amazing for you!

This was the first Christmas my boyfriend and I spent together as a living-together couple. I loved every moment and will cherish the memories of us baking cookies together (and eating too much dough…at least there’s no potential of salmonella!), watching movies in the dark with our Christmas lights and lit candles for ambiance and going shopping together like a team. I also won’t forget the kindness of my boyfriend’s mom who bought our Christmas tree and brought us loads of decorations to choose from. I won’t forget dinner at my mom’s house where she made fantastic Costa Rican food and made sure it was vegan. Many of Costa Rica’s national dishes, like gallo pinto, are naturally vegan, which is wonderful. If you’ve never had a corn tortilla filled with gallo pinto, platano maduro, soy chorizo, & salsa, you have not lived! Dinner at my boyfriend’s house on Christmas Eve and then Christmas lunch at my sister-in-law’s were equally fabulous times. All in all, it was a fantastic holiday celebration.

As you know, I’ve spent some time thinking about how I want to feel in 2013 and some of the things I want to accomplish. I’ve done even more thinking and have literally broken down each goal into subgoals. I’ve also evaluated whether the goals I’ve chosen are really goals I want to achieve. I know that seems weird, but I think a lot of us feel we have to accomplish things (or should), but we may not be intrinsically motivated to achieve them, which means we probably will not achieve them. I have also been thinking about setting goals that I truly can control. For example, I want to encourage behaviors and actions rather than results. This is why I no longer strive to weigh a certain #, but, instead, have fitness-related goals that center on consistent actions. Anyhow, this is all to say that I can feel that I may already be placing too much pressure on myself to make 2013 my “best year” and am not sure there are as many things I can control as I would like to. For instance, I have salary goal on my 2013 goals, but only so much of that I can control. I always achieve my professional goals but, at the end of the day, I work for a start-up and have limited salary potential. I either have to accept that, or be more creative by being open to additional jobs and/or supplementing my income with freelance jobs. It’s a lot to think about when I’m also trying to figure out how I can free up some time to achieve my personal creative goals (and yet all the hospital and specialist bills have come in just in time for the holidays to remind me that I need money, more than I’d like to admit ) Can anyone relate to this? I know there was an article in The Atlantic about women never getting to “have it all” and, while I had problems with the gender generalizations and dichotomous thinking, I think it is important to be honest with one another and ourselves about the virtues and reality of “work-life balance.” For me, right now, the notion of work-life balance in a depressed economy seems more like a pipe dream than anything obtainable. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be a parent and also a full-time worker! How do you guys do it?!?

Looking back, 2012 was an incredible year! I went through my blog posts (and memory lane) to compile some of the highlights of 2012 and asked myself: how could all of these things have happened in one year?! And yet, being who I am, I also wondered – why didn’t I achieve more – especially of things that are very important to me personally (like writing my book, singing, spending more time with friends and family).

The year began with a trip to Green Mountain At Fox Run, a women’s-only anti-dieting retreat in Vermont. It was a life-changing experience.
Written while in Vermont.

2012 is indeed the year I woke up.

How?

I realized my self-defined-position as poster-child-for-weight-loss was limiting and harmful. So, I officially gave up dieting and did everything I could to rid myself of my obsession with my weight. I learned to be comfortable with less control. Instead of calculating everything I ate and exercising to repent for eating, I tried mindful eating. I allowed my body to take the shapes it needed to take to heal from a history of rigid control. I have stopped judging my self-worth based on how much I weigh. Until very recently, I did not touch a scale the entire year. And when I finally did, it was an act of defiance.

In 2012, I became incredibly conscious of what it is like for all of us embodied persons to live in what’s defined as “the age of obesity,” which would be better phrased as “the age of fear and body discrimination.” This was hard to face. Even harder to face was how complicit everyone is in it (including myself).

But as much as I woke up, at one point, my body had to wake me up. This occurred in the form of my first, and subsequent, panic attack(s). I learned that I can’t keep up with all of my stress. As much as I want to believe I am super woman – I’m not.

Want to take a walk down memory lane with me? 2012 consisted of:

Music with The Antique Toys

• We released “Dear Madeleine” with 100% of purchases donated to our little friend with cancer

• We released “Kill,” which was produced by Joey Belville of The Echoing Green

Fitness

• I left behind my rigid schedule of running, and adopted a more fun work-out style which consisted of power lifting, walking, yoga (at home) and running on the sand when I wanted to (rather than when I felt I “had” to)

Professional

At my company, I am a 1-person PR department, a 1-person non-profit department & a key content writer. Welcome to working for a start-up! (If any of you out there don’t know the differences between working for a start-up versus a established corporation or organization, email me so I can fill you in – It can be a shocker if you’re unaware before you make the switch lol).

• Got my boss in Forbes 30 Under 30 (ok, he did all the hard work to be a great candidate, and I did the pitch!)
• Ghost wrote 2 articles for my company that ended up in print
• Ghost wrote an e-book for my company that will be published in 2013
• Got my company on CNBC primetime and on local TV
• Got my company a lot of cool press (and local press for our franchisees), including our first cover in a trade pub, as well as coverage in Parents Magazine
• Created multiple strategic partnerships between my company and mission-aligned organizations
• Single-handedly managed our non-profit charity arm
• Completed the process to get our company recognized as a Certified B Corp
• Created a nutrition-training program for our staff
• Created many pieces of marketing/PR collateral

Personal

• I moved in with my boyfriend
• I celebrated 5 years with my boyfriend, my best friend
• My nieces turned 1 and 4
• Kahlua turned 3

• Lucy turned 10

• I made Long Beach Post’s 30 Women to Watch
• I attended Expo West, the CA Women’s Conference, and Green Mountain at Fox Run for an entire week (one of my favorite memories of my entire life!)
• I spent more quality time this year with both of my parents than I have in years prior combined. This is one of my favorite things about the year

Memorable Blog Moments

• I wrote my manifesto
• I made some amazing recipes! Like my vegan & gluten-free mac ‘n cheese, vegan & gluten-free chocolate-covered marshmallow cups, vegan & gluten free green bean & brown rice medley , vegan peanut butter pasta with bell peppers, vegan blackened tempeh tacos, vegan baked tempeh with lemon avocado sauce, vegan & gluten-free lentil tacos, and udon noodles 3 ways
• I had my first, and then 2 subsequent, panic attack(s), which really allowed me to reflect on the inextricable link between our thoughts and our physiology. I cut out caffeine, which has helped tremendously; I’ve also learned some tactics, via Buddhist readings, to welcome the discomfort rather than fight or ignore it
• We got Maggie (who has now been renamed by her new parents, but I’ll always know her as Maggie )
• I went to see Strong! in theaters, met the director, and was grateful for the opportunity to reflect on what “strong” means
• I quit dieting and began a mindful eating practice and have experienced incredible benefits
• I’ve reached over 10k fans on my Facebook page
• I responded to a widely-shared article shaming Health At Every Size(R) and I think I made my point
• I wrote on fat stigma here and here
• I wrote my bucket list 
• I wrote about the bullshit that was the HBO documentary, “Weight of the Nation”
• I wrote about how obesity is the peppered moth of our generation
• I wrote/spoke out against Georgia’s Strong 4 Life fat-shaming campaign
• I launched my first Cranky Awards!

I am so grateful for my health and for the health of those I love. When I look at the faces of those who have surrounded me this holiday season, I am in awe of how fortunate I am to be so loved and to have so many amazing people to love in return.

2013, I’m ready!

What are some of the highlights from 2012 for you? What would you like to feel in 2013?

<3, The Cranky One

Hey guys!

As we approach the end of the year, it’s natural, and helpful, to reflect on the things/people/moments that have helped or hindered our growth and happiness. With that in mind, I want to take a moment to give thanks to the ten blogs that have helped me grow, smile, and even cry with empathy.

To these ten, I give my first “Cranky Award.” I hope these bloggers know that they have added joy and thought to my world — a true gift. I hope all of you will take a moment to check them out, too!

The 2012 Cranky Awards – Top 10 Blogs to Follow

• A Weight Lifted - Written by the staff of my beloved anti-dieting resort, Green Mountain at Fox Run, as well as guest bloggers (usually people who have attended the resort, and those who are aligned with the Health At Every Size(R) movement), this blog will encourage you to eat mindfully and engage in intrinsic exercise. Don’t know what either of those things are? Then it’s time to find out – you’ll restore some joy (and sanity) to your life, I promise.
• Amanda Palmer - I love AFP (Amanda Fucking Palmer) and it’s no secret – singing with her is on my bucket list! If you don’t know who she is, AFP is a singer-songwriter-performer-artist who uses her art, and often her body, to blur as many labels and boundaries as she can. That’s why putting a label on her genre is kinda…impossible….but she self-defined her genre with The Dresden Dolls as “punk cabaret” and I guess I’d call her new stuff with the Grand Theft Orchestra as Amanda-Palmer-rock. Amanda has not straight up said she is a proponent of Health At Every Size(R), but her actions consistently point to such a belief system (she often has fans upload pictures of their bellies, noting that diversity is beautiful). She’s also a feminist and I’ve applauded her for not shaving her armpits and for calling PETA out on some of their body-shaming/body-hair-shaming ads. Her blog reads like her personal diary – not like a corporate “band” “blog” and so we see that this chick is as for real as it gets. I want to be her when I grow up.
• Crazy Sexy Wellness- Kris Carr has a kind and empathetic energy that resonates through her videos and writing. She’s the woman behind the documentary “Crazy Sexy Cancer,” which is a must-see if you’re interested in what a young and beautiful actress does when she finds out she has stage IV cancer and does not want to go through traditional treatment options. Kris is known for her fluffy-pop-esque writing style (unicorns and rainbows are a common motif) and I refer to it as such with pure respect and joy; she’s also known for her vegan – or as she calls it “plant empowered” – diet and her daily juices (always in glass jars); and, of course, for her trademark, which is a few strands of pink hair strewn about her blonde locks.
• Dances with Fat - Ragen is a size-activist, speaker and author. She’s also my first resource whenever I have questions about Health at Every Size(R) and the truth behind obesity “facts.” Ragen is passionate about rectifying the incredible injustice we all face with the current war on obesity and her activism has had positive effects for all of us who have a body (oh, that’s all of us, eh?!). For example, when those awful Strong for Life ads came out – she is the one who organized a counter campaign complete with body-positive billboards to speak in contention with the fat-shaming ads. What an individual.
• Fat Strawberry - Jen is relatively new to the blogging scene, but I can tell she’s going to make big waves as she continues. A derby chick and lifter who is medically classified as obese (#!&#O3i#G@*!), Jen writes about her trials as a girl who has given up dieting and is revolting against our society’s narrow (and fucked up) views on health and beauty. She is a breath of fresh air.
• Fit & Feminist – When I have a little girl, I am going to read this blog to her. Finally, a weight-neutral space where we can talk about female athletes! Or, er, finally a space where we can talk about female athletes at all? lol. Caitlin is amazing and her passion for shedding light on the politics and realities behind what it means to be a chick and an athlete should be required reading. *puts on professor hat* You are assigned to go check out his blog. Go now!
• Institute for the Psychology of Eating – Marc has really tapped into a new avenue to explore in mindful eating: how do our thoughts affect how our body absorbs/uses our food? We get so caught up in weight-loss and moralizing our food and lifestyles that we forget that we are not a mind that has to consistently check and balance our body. The two are inextricably linked and how we eat – from the pace to the feelings we feel when eating – affect our physiological experiences. Marc is like the love child between a hard-core foodie and a Health at Every Size activist. What more do you need?!
• KCLAnderson - Karen is eloquent and moving. She calls herself an “acceptance whisperer” and that’s because she’s had quite the journey to get to a place where she can thrive as she is without contingencies. She is beautiful and you will feel like she is hugging you whenever you read her words.
  
• MizFit - Carla is a fortress of individuality, strength and character. She shares her life with us from the sugar skull tattoos to the mantras that get her through tough times. She’s a mom, former body-builder competitor and someone who gives away wisdom whenever she writes. She prefers “play outs” to “work outs” and her vibe says: you are the best judge for what’s best for you. This is why you will not find her proselytizing or giving you rules to follow. And this is one of the many reasons I love her.
• The Fat Nutritionist – Michelle will make you go a little mad and that’s what she wants (if I may speak for her hehe) because she throws everything mainstream media tells us about health and body size to the wind and gives us the truth: BMI is bunk; health is a complex issue that is best approached with self-respect and intelligence rather than self-hate and blind band-wagon rhetoric of “OMG OBESITY CRISIS!” She’s smart and legit. When I read her, I feel empowered! EMPOWERED!

Your turn – what blogs/moments/people have helped you grow this year? Spread the love so that we can all bask in it

<3,

The Cranky One

Hi guys!

If you’ve followed me for the past 3 years – you’ve witnessed a lot of back and forth from me regarding the scale. When I started this blog, I loved the scale even when I hated it (does that make sense?). I felt the scale was the true measure of my progress. 150 lbs lost and this scale was holding me accountable to losing even more.

Five years of living intentionally to lose weight can do a lot to build a system of thoughts and habits that are all centered on achieving that goal. This is what many people call a “lifestyle change.” Such “lifestyle changes” are usually met with praise. Hell, I’ve been praised over and over for my dedication to lose weight, which is indeed a physiological and mental feat.

But do you know what didn’t change in those 5 years? What made those 5 years of losing 150lbs not different from the lifetime I spent binging? Not listening to my body and hating my body. I traded in one form of self-distrust for another. The irony, or sad thing, or whatever, is that society rewards those who restrict, repent, diet and distrust their bodies in the attempt to lose weight. Society does not reward those who don’t give a fuck about their weight. In fact, these people are shamed. For most of my life, I have just played different sides of the same coin – the binge, repent cycle.

This is all to say…eventually, 5 years and after 150lbs, the scale became an integral part of a nightmare. I was as thin as my body could be while healthy and maintaining my active lifestyle, genetics and a myriad of other factors. But I wanted more weight loss. This is natural when you base your “lifestyle” on losing weight and what seems to be the humorous aspect of the whole “this is a lifestyle” bullshit – once you train yourself to be a loser, you’ll rarely find a good spot to just pack up, dust off and say in a Charley Sheen voice, “winning!”

Finally, I felt I had to turn to bulimia to assist me in a lifestyle that I could not sustain. I could not work out 1.5 hours everyday and restrict every morsel while also being a living and breathing person with ambitious goals in life that existed outside of the size of my waist. But I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. If I don’t keep losing weight, I’ll actually be a loser, I thought.

I soon was fed up with my addiction to the scale. So, I uploaded this video announcing my “break up.”

And yet, even after that, in my delusion that I could somehow weigh myself as a bulimic and not believe that fucked up and detrimental untruth that most women believe (that what the numbers say = our worth), I started weighing myself again and began yet another challenge to lose 10 lbs. This was not good. I do have to note though with a cracked, but stern, smile that weight loss attempts are usually followed with immediate and nearly insatiable curiosity from onlookers. It is when I used to subject myself to public weigh-ins that I had the highest readership. Just something to think about.

But I worked through it. I worked through the obsession with my weight. I saw therapists even while juggling multiple freelance writing jobs and an M.A. program. I knew getting better had to be a priority. Or perhaps “better” isn’t the right word – perhaps I had to get to place I had never been: the place where I relinquish the importance I’d placed forever on my looks and my weight (they are inextricable).

Fuck, I will probably always have to work at it at least a little, even if only to shrug off the incessant messages I get from people as close as my family to my workplace to the mainstream media that tell the same lie: your weight is a great proxy for your health, worth and desirability!

Today? I haven’t been bulimic for well over a year even though my life has gotten more stressful than when I was taking my M.A. exams. I have taken a journey to mindful eating that hasn’t been perfect (what ever is?) but that has truly saved my spirit and health. My journey even took me to the East coast to Green Mountain at Fox Run, an anti-dieting woman’s retreat.

But there has always been this thought in the back of my head: if you refuse to weigh yourself – is it really an act of defiance or is it because you know that somehow, somewhere subconsciously that it matters? Are you really afraid?

I have felt a number of thoughts about my body, and what I look like in the past year and a half. I have watched my body transform from my thinnest and most athletic to a body that is less conventionally appealing, injured from overexercise (let’s see – we went from fractured elbow, to tendinitis, to other foot issues that we don’t know the name of). I have had those moments where, seemingly all of a sudden, a pair of pants that used to be loose no longer come up the hips easily – and then that moment where to button them would translate into me feeling like a stuffed sausage.I have cried. But I have also wiped away the tears, pointed at myself in the mirror and said, “you are so much more than what size freakin’ pants you are, my dear! Have bigger goals in life than a ‘goal weight’!”

And you know what?

Through all of those moments – it would have been easier for me to revert to what had become normal: dieting and/or eating disorder compensation. Sure, dieting and bulimia suck, but they would have returned me to that comforting (though fallacious) belief that had been my crutch: I may not be thin now, but I can be if I keep dieting, trying harder, working out more, etc. And this was my true addiction. Bulimia was really just a year-long manifestation of what has been a lifetime of distrusting my body, restricting and repenting and hating myself for what I looked like. Bulimia is just a tiny footnote on this 29-year-old story of self-loathing & dieting.

So, despite the impulse to revert to this comfortably uncomfortable spot of dieting and self-hate, I didn’t diet or purge or exercise as punishment. And sure, maybe a thinner person would be typing to you here if she had. But, maybe not. And, what would be the costs be of that thinness? (or maybe the better question – what really are the benefits?!)  I knew the truth: if I follow the logic that thin = beauty = happy, I will never be thin enough.

Instead, I have lovingly accepted that my body is going to change as my life changes, as I grow older, as I face new challenges, as I get injured, as I enjoy new exercises, as I eat more indulgently with the holiday season, as my life expands outside of myself and focuses less on the superficial…

My body has changed.

There have been moments where I can see my chiseled arms:

I went from only running to becoming a powerlifter.

Still, when I read that Karen weighed herself - Karen has a very similar story to mine – I asked myself – could you do it? can you weigh yourself and not freak the fuck out?

When I began powerlifting, my boyfriend weighed me; I refused to look. He simply wanted data to help as he was planning how much protein I should be eating to make my lifts. And I was afraid I couldn’t handle the truth: I was no longer dieting. I was no longer 135-lbs and running 6 miles per day. I was also no longer bulimic and no longer using exercise as compensatory behavior for eating. I was exercising because I liked it.

I’ve been to the doctor countless times in the past year and a half. Ok, countless times in the past few months with all of my panic attacks and eye issues heh. And, every time I visit my primary care, they insist on weighing me. And, each time I’ve insisted they don’t tell me my weight. Thinking she would be helping, the nurse told me a month or so ago: “you’ve lost 15 pounds, way to go!” This was the day I went in because I had a 102 fever and hadn’t eaten much for a couple days. This reinforced in me the general ignorance surrounding our obsession with weight – you are better off 15 pounds lighter, even if you’re sick and starving!

This is all to say, that it hit me yesterday that I have been doing so much work on my mind-body connection – that I have truly found that place where I accept and treasure my body no matter its size. Sure, there are many times per week where I grab a roll of fat and sigh. Or where I get the familiar voice: you could just lose a little and you’d be perfect.

Then I remember that the road to perfection is paved in eating disorders and self-hate. Then, I remember that my body has been through so much and yet here I am – living a life, that while it has its crazy moments, is so beautiful and wonderful that I have to love this chubby body that created it. And I do. I love it without contingency and without the secret desire to someday somehow be thinner.

So, I hesitated, but I did it.

I weighed myself. And it was an act of defiance.

151 pounds.

Do you know what that means? It means that based on my 5’5 frame, I am overweight per the BMI. Just barely, but overweight indeed. You know that I have disdain for our nation’s obsession with the BMI and our profit- and disease-mongering surrounding it. Believe me when I say that this 151 pounds makes me feel light as a feather.

Now, I am officially a part of the OMG-OBESITY-CRISIS! Grab yee pitchforks!

In a fantastic sign of faith in my pursuit of what is best for my soul and body, I am thrilled with having weighed myself and no longer hiding from the # and secretly believing it still defined my worth, health and beauty.

My boyfriend did want me to know that when he weighed me before I began powerlifitng, I had come in at 165 pounds.

My body has been going through many ups and downs as I shift from diet- and thin-obsessed to a powerlifting mindful eater. This is natural.

And despite what a BMI scale and doctor who doesn’t know a thing about nutrition (can you believe THIS?!)  might say, I KNOW that my body is a fortress. It has recovered from some of the worst things I could do to it.

And, let’s face it, I’m kind of a bad ass who is slated to out-bench-press my office full of young frat boys

This weekend, I went to the opera with my dad. My dad and my relationship has not been like the Father of the Bride movie that I used to covet as a child with silent remorse. We have both had addictions (me to obsessive control – and subsequent and inevitable loss of control – over what I eat).

But as I have come to forgive and accept myself – body and soul – for the past, I have forgiven him, accepted and loved him, too.

This has transformed our relationship to one that I could never have imagined possible: genuinely compassionate, kind, and soul-filling.

Ready for the opera last weekend.

While driving to see Madame Butterfly, I complimented my dad on his suit. He responded that he had last worn it 15 years ago. “It has been sitting in my closet, dry cleaned and waiting for this moment.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past 15 years too.

I feel so much peace.

<3,

The Cranky One