A lot of significant transitions occurred this year, primarily my transition from grad student juggling freelance gigs w/ an income supplemented by student loans to a full-time independent contractor learning the ropes of self-sufficiency and professional development. On a more personal level, this year also marked a lot of psychological transitions (some I’m still working on).

Do you remember that episode of The Office where Pam walks across the hot coals and starts telling people how she really feels? I feel like this was the year I ran over hot coals (figuratively, of course). A challenge throughout my life has been that I repress emotions while being simultaneously overly affected by all social interactions. This means that I’ve often felt like a dart board taking darts from each interaction and yet letting them stay inside, puncturing me rather than pulling them out and addressing the dart-thrower (be it a person or situation). I’ve become much more assertive in both my personal and professional life of my limits, expectations and feelings. This has only had positive effects! I think I’ve expected people to be mind-readers in the past. How can they not know I’m overworked? How can they not know what they said hurt my feelings? I’m done with playing guessing games and done with childishly expecting that others somehow magically know where I’m at in my head. Adulthood for me has meant losing all patience for unnecessary emotional expenditures (my own and others’).

Earlier this year, as a grad student, I felt that I was in a beautiful holding ground. In a crude sense, school is a sort of limbo. It certainly allows you to foster your curiosities and grow personally and intellectually, but it’s also an in-between sort of place where you work on building an “after,” which is whatever you’re going to do and/or whoever you’ll become once you graduate. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a nerd at heart and that I loved being in school (even though studying for the comprehensive exam took years off my life due to stress lol). So, graduating was a rather jarring experience. I had a lot of those Judy Blume and existential crises moments (i.e. who am I, where am I going, what do I want to be).

One thing that still surprises me is that even though I was completely rattled by this transition, I had somehow crafted this unwavering confidence in myself that I could and would get everything I wanted out of life. I guess this confidence sprung not out of naivete but out of my truth — I have always gotten what I’ve wanted. It sounds very strange (and vain) in my head to type that, but it is indeed the case. Few things in my life have been easy and many things have required years of dedication and hard work, but as I live in this moment I see everything I’ve ever wanted. Do I want more? Sure, I’d love a little more self-acceptance and a healthier relationship with food. I’d love to build healthier relationships with specific people and I’d love more time to work-out. But I am so grateful for the life I’ve built for myself with my own sweat and tears. I cherish it. I own it. And I can only feel excitement for what I’ll find and conquer in 2012.

A Look Back at 2011

Personal & Professional Accomplishments

• I got my Master’s in English literature. I spent months preparing for the comprehensive exam, which I chose to take in 20th century American literature. This was a very tough time, but one I look back on fondly. I spent hours at coffee shops and in the library learning everything I could about modernism and postmodernism, ecocriticism, gender politics, Kerouac and Judith Butler. I felt incredibly stressed but incredibly passionate and empowered. I ended up passing the exam with one of the highest scores. This is not a surprise…I studied like my life depended on it!
• While obtaining my Masters degree and subsequently after, I did a lot of freelance writing, copy-editing and social media work. I enjoyed the personal freedom it afforded, but knew I would eventually like something a bit more stable and something that allowed me to exercise my passions. So, I made a personal commitment that I would find a stable job I could be passionate about. I set a 5-part criteria any potential full-time would have to meet: 1) it would have to let me telecommute &/or be a ROWE company, 2) they’d have to pay me sufficiently for my skills & talent, 3) I’d have to like the people I work for and with, 4) I’d have to feel passionate about what the company does and 5) the job would allow me to grow professionally in areas that interest me and would also encourage personal growth. I found that job.
• I ran…a LOT! And beat my personal record for a 10k.
• I started lifting weights hardcore, yo! (still am). This has been one of the BEST things I could do for my self-esteem because even though I’ve had a lot of trouble this year to maintain my weight at its “happy place” of 135 lbs, I’ve been able to focus on a more healthful accomplishment: strength! When I think about how I’ve more than doubled the weight I can lift, bench, squat, etc., I feel incredibly badass. Badass feels so much better than skinny.

Musical Passion

• My band and I drove to New Mexico to produce tracks for our album with our friend and fellow musician, Joey. We took a detour to the Grand Canyon and I’ll never forget that day. It was cold, but sunny, and I was with my two brothers from another mother on a trip full of laughter, smiles and beautiful music.
• I performed live with my band at Viento y Agua in Long Beach, CA even though I had laryngitis! I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous. I had no idea whether my voice would even come out to sing! Thankfully, it did.
• I released a single with my band called, “Falling” & a cover of “The Killing Jar” with Pristina
• My boyfriend and I saw Amanda Palmer perform on Halloween. It reminded me  how much I need to sing because it’s one of the few things I can do that allow me to feel free, unique and beautiful in an out-of-body type of way.

Set Backs

• I fractured my elbow right in the middle of my challenge to lose the 10 pounds I had gained while studying for my M.A. comprehensive exam.
• I discussed my struggle with binge eating here, here, here, here and here

Joyous Occasions

• My 2nd niece was born
• I celebrated 4 years with my best friend. I can’t wait to celebrate 5 in March 2012.
• I celebrated two years as a vegan (officially a couple days before Christmas!).
• I was invited to Green Mountain at Fox Run and will spend a week there in Jan. 2012.

Blog Passion/Passion for Health, Body Image, Veganism & Food Politics

• I celebrated my 2nd bloggiversary
• My post on WhoNu cookies became my most popular post
• I started writing about food politics every Friday. Ok, I lied. I set out to write about food politics every Friday, but only wrote 8 posts. Definitely going to ramp this up in the new year!
• I talked about the real world benefits of being “thin pretty” and its psychological consequences
• I started a challenge to lose the weight I gained while studying for my M.A. comprehensive exam (I’m pretty sure I’ve since gained the 10 back + 10 more…but alas…)
• Created some kick-ass recipes like mini corn-dogs, strawberry chocolate chip bread, sweet & sour tempeh, pumpkin pie shake, cole slaw, lemon poppyseed cake, “chicken salad,” lemon Larabar-like concoctions, & “vacation enchiladas”
• I worked with Jen, Elisabeth & Jazz on Blogging for a Change – we raised nearly 2k for the Red Cross’ Japan Disaster Relief
• I wrote about society’s obsession with sex, food & dieting
• I took a chance and wrote about my insecurities in loving as they manifested in a dream

As I write this, the sun pours into my home office. My little puppy lays curled in a ball on the floor. I have my schedule written out of work-items to accomplish today. I have plans to hit zumba after a work conference call. I’ll see my boyfriend for dinner and a movie.

Is this real?

2011, you’ve been good to me, but I understand it’s mostly because despite my BS I’ve been good to me. 2012, I await you with open arms.

<3,

The Cranky One

Wow, it feels like forever since I’ve actually sat down to write a blog, though every single day I write at least three posts in my head, all beginning with “hey guys!” and ending with “<3, the Cranky One” (as I am wont to do). You know how Carrie in Sex and the City often has an editorial voice narrating her life? That’s me, too. Except my life involves thrift-store clothes rather than couture, and monogamy rather than…uh…what’s the p-c term for that? Ya, you know what I mean

Anyway!

I’ve been a total slacker at posting my workout recaps every Monday, so I am making up for lost time by listing the past few weeks below:

Work-Out Recap

Mon. 11/14 – nada (this is going to be a recurring challenge as I have to be at the office by 7 a.m. on these days and typically do not leave until 7 p.m., so I’m trying to just make up this time elsewhere rather than force a workout on a day that I’m seriously exhausted. But we’ll see.)
Tues. – nada…d’oh!
Wed. – 6 mile run (60 mins) + 25 mins weights
Thurs. – 4.5 mile run (45 mins)
Fri. – 4.5 mile run (45 mins) + 60 mins zumba + 25 mins weights
Sat. – 6 mile run (60 mins)
Sun. – 6 mile run (60 mins)
Total: 380 minutes/7 = 54 mins exercise/day average

Mon. 11/21 n/a
Tues. – n/a
Wed. – 4.5 mile run (45 mins), 30 mins zumba (had to leave the class half way through– the teacher was so annoying that I either had rip off her headset or leave gracefully…so I left), 25 mins strength
Thurs. – Ran the Long Beach Turkey Trot 10k in 55:06 (that is a pace of 8:41, which is actually the fastest I have ever run a 10k! Woohoo! My beautiful friend, with whom I ran the race, believes that this is the reason I ran as fast as I did…I will deny it forever! ). By the way, if you are math-challenged, like myself, you can use this Coolrunning calc to calculate your running pace.
Fri. – nada
Sat. – 25 mins strength
Sun. – nada
Total:  180 minutes/7 =  25.7 mins exercise/day average = LAME!

Mon. 11/28 n/a
Tues. – 20 mins strength
Wed. – n/a
Thurs. – 20 mins strength
Fri. – n/a
Sat. – 20 mins strength
Sun. – 6 mile run (60 mins) + 30 mins yoga
Total: 150 minutes/7 =  21.4 mins exercise/day average = LAMEST!

The strength routine I’m doing now is different from the one mentioned here, but we’re seeing some awesome gains in strength. I’m now squatting 100+ pounds! Woohoo!

The Shit You Find When You Audit Your Diet

So you all know I have been struggling with binge eating. But I have been very proactive in dealing with this issue – meeting weekly with a counselor, removing foods that are typically triggers for me, and doing things that are uncomfortable for me – like expressing my feelings in the moment. And, guess what? It’s been having very positive effects. I have not had a binge in the past month. I have overeaten here and there, yes absolutely, but who doesn’t? One thing that has helped me in the past two weeks is that my boyfriend and I sat down to audit my diet. We both knew I wasn’t eating as healthfully as I should to sustain long work days, 6-mile runs and a hectic life. What I was shocked to find is that while we all know I do not indulge in foods in that could be considered “unhealthful” (this is actually something I would like to change when I have a better relationship with food, but baby steps, people!), I do not eat in a way that is actually fueling my body. This is what we found in one day:

1460 calories, 12g fat, 315g carbs, 65g fiber, 63.5g protein. Unfortunately we did not track sugar, which I think is really important, too. So, I guess this isn’t too bad, now that I reflect – the calories are a little low; the carbs are between what is recommended for my weight/age/height (271-392g); the fiber is nearly triple the recommended intake (can you have too much fiber? Anyone out there know?); the protein is more than recommended for me (49g) <– so all you peeps who wonder how vegans get their protein, here I am getting more than recommended! The one glaring problemo? FAT! For an entire day I only consumed 12g of fat, when I should be getting 54-94 g/day! That’s a huge gap and a very important one – your body needs healthful fats. (By the way, you can use the USDA’s calculator here to see how much of these things you need a day. I mean, yes, it’s the USDA and we all know I think a lot of their daily recommendations in terms of food choices are shit and based on lobby $, but, that aside, this is a great tool to begin with!)

To remedy the lack-o-fat-factor, my boyfriend and I brought in the troops…

…and devised a new plan where I am incorporating much more fat into my diet via nuts, seeds and avocado. We’re also striving to have a healthy balance between carbs, fats and proteins so that there is not a huge difference (i.e. 315g carbs vs. 12g fat vs. 63g protein) – 33%-33%-33%. Our plan has also limited grains (or rather removed them) more for experimental reasons than anything else. We know that grains are something I over-consume and they’re also a binge-trigger for me, so we’re seeing how I fare without them for a while. I’ll provide a sample of what I’m eating now, along with more insight into why, later tonight.

So there are a couple things I’m interested to hear feedback on – anyone know if there is actually a reason to limit fiber intake? Also, anyone out there go grain-free for experimental reasons (or health-related ones) and want to share the effects?

<3,

The Cranky One

As I sat in silence trying to find the words, it came to me.

It begins with a spark.

Every day, there are sparks – these are moments that make me feel insecure or troubled somehow and I hold on to them instead of dealing with them right away or just ignoring them. I just put them into my subconscious to fester and to grow. These sparks work in unison with the steady flame in the back of my mind that, all throughout the day, asks “how much food are you going to eat? how much did you eat yesterday? How are you going to burn this all off?” It’s the flame of “food and weight OCD.” By the end of the day, all the negative sparks from the day unite with my weight-obsessed flame and morph into a massive fire.

This is the fire that represents all my suppressed feelings, insecurities, fears and doubts. And, my method for dealing (not dealing?) with this fire is to suffocate it with food.

As I sat, again in silence, trying to piece things together – another realization occurred. I binge to shut myself up.

Do you know how incredibly frustrating it is to have that steady flame of fear throughout the day – that flame that tells you your self-worth is tied to how much you eat – the less you eat, the better you feel since you’re on the path to weight-loss (or at least weight-maintenance) just burning throughout your mind all day? It’s the fear of “will I binge? will I overeat? Will I get fat again?” It’s always in the background burning away, dancing, and gaining momentum with every spark of negativity throughout the day.

When I binge and get to that point that I’m so full I can no longer even think about eating – I’ve finally silenced that voice of fear that wondered “how much, how little, when, what” regards to food. It’s already over. There’s no need for fear now, it’s just consequence. You ate too much and now you can’t even think of eating again.

Success. I’m finally not hungry.

If only that feeling would last.

[image source]

Here’s the gist of the situation – Rob is at a weight he himself considers “overweight” and uncomfortable, having reached 200 lbs. One of his sisters – I forget which (they all meld together in one disapproving lot) – gauged he had gained 40 lbs in a short period time. Rob says the weight came on because he moved in with Khloe and Lamar and Lamar – who is a 6’10 NBA player – keeps the pantry stocked with junk food and can pack away loads of calories while still remaining rail thin. At one point, Khloe and Lamar raid Rob’s room to find several wrappers and hidden half-opened containers of junk, including bear claws. Later, they put an alarm on the pantry door so that they can catch (and embarrass) Rob during a late-night snacking session (especially since he had mentioned he was going to get healthy and stop the binging).

I guess I found these glimpses into Rob’s struggle so fascinating because they challenge the dominant presumption that it’s women only who suffer from binge eating disorders (or any eating disorder), and it was interesting to see the roles that are typically portrayed reversed, so that instead of a male hegemonic voice dictating that women should be thin, it was the women harassing Rob – even Khloe who has suffered immensely in the media for her shape – and trivializing his eating disorder (chopping it up solely to lack of self-control/gluttony); they challenge the presumption that if you have money, you can just buy your way out of bad eating habits, weight-gain, etc.; they challenge the presumption that if you control your home environment and enlist support you will be miraculously cured; and they challenge the presumption that junk food is not addicting.

At one point, Rob moves in which his sister Kourney in hopes that her healthful diet and fridge stocked with wheat grass shots will help him change his ways. Kourtney so sweetly embraces his stay by telling him she’ll go on walks with him, she puts out an array of healthful snacks, including kale chips, and yet firmly tells him he is an adult and she will not monitor what he eats.

That seems fail proof, doesn’t it? Not when Rob, who is driving at one point, gets a junk food craving and orders loads of tacos, burritos and churros at a fast food joint and packs it away in the car.

So, no. It doesn’t matter if you have enough money to pay for a personal trainer and dietitian. Chances are, if you’re binge eating, you’re also suffering from depression, which means your motivation to empower yourself is zilch. And, no, it doesn’t matter if you live in a house that doesn’t have junk food because unless it’s 100% your choice to have no junkfood and not to eat junkfood, you can easily get in your car and binge on fast food. And, no, finally, it does not matter if you’re a man or a woman or self-described – the pressure to be thin is ubiquitous. It also shows that Khloe, even though she is often torn to pieces for being “thick,” cannot relate to Rob. Why? How can a “chubby” person not relate to another chubby person? Because Khloe does not suffer from binge eating; she simply overeats. These are VERY different!

I related so much to this episode. As I am currently working on my own propensity to binge eat and am highly cognizant that binge eating is a form of emotional repression, not gluttony, it saddened me to see Rob being treated the way he was. But, it also annoyed me that he did not fight back! I guess that’s another indication that depression is often ancillary to a binge eating disorder.

I didn’t watch part II, but I sure hope it showed Rob seeking professional help. Did any of you catch part 1 or 2?

<3,

The Cranky One

The past month and a half has been a whirlwind. You can tell by my sparse blogging hehe.

This upcoming week will be my 7th week with HUMAN. It has been an incredible journey so far – filled with challenges, conquests, sleepless nights, laughs, gallons of coffee, jumping off the cliff of my comfort zone on a daily basis, and an overall sense of: seriously? This is my job? I’m grateful.

That’s not to say I’m not also feeling a bit overwhelmed and wondering how I will find that elusive thing called balance.

One thing I know to be true is that my health declines when I don’t grant myself the time to “check in” and to hold myself accountable to doing the things that keep me healthy – such as running, singing, blogging, getting out and socializing, taking gratuitous photos of Kuni, etc. But it’s easier said than done, right?

Well, nothing about my journey has ever been easy, so I consider learning balance – or rather, forcing balance – at a time when my schedule is full of commitments – a vital necessity.

If you couldn’t tell by my many cryptic posts recently, it is a struggle to maintain that same sense of urgency to excel at being the best (healthy) me as I put into excelling at my job (as I did at being a student). I think most of us do that. And the truth of the matter is that we can’t possibly perform our best in any aspect of life if we are not taking care of ourselves. Ya know? I have operated like this the majority of my life – things get hectic and the first thing to go is me taking the time to check-in both physically and psychologically.

I recently visited my grad school campus to talk to the current crop of English MA students who will be taking the comps this semester and to give them tips on how to study for the exam (geek pride!). As I walked on the campus I loved, I felt a resurgence of happiness. While being a grad student was certainly one of the most stressful times of my life, it was also one of the happiest (I think I can only say that retrospectively hehe). I felt like I was doing something that was personally fulfilling, something I was passionate about; and I was surrounded by smart and passionate people with whom I could hold debates or just try to understand texts (and life…you know how us existential English grad students do

Anyhow – being on campus reminded me that even though I often felt I was drowning as a student, I was really swimming laps like an Olympic swimmer.

Such a happy time. Me and my books

So, it allowed me to step back a bit, analyze the current situation and pat myself on the back. We need to do that!

I’m taking the steps to put myself on equal footing as my other commitments. What are these steps, you ask? I’ve started seeing a counselor again. I am a huge proponent of counseling & therapy.  I think we don’t allow ourselves the time to “check in” and to really do the leg work in addressing thought patterns developed over the years that might be harmful or at least not conducive to us being our best. As you know, I still feel like I haven’t done enough work in the psychological part of my my health journey, so I’m doing something about it right now. I have also stripped my house of all foods that are “binge potential.” This sucks, not gonna lie, because as a vegan who doesn’t eat much processed food, that basically means all I have in my fridge are fresh fruits and vegetables (things like breads, tortillas, pita and peanut butter are binge potential); and all I wanted last night after a night out on the town was a freakin’ tortilla. But, alas, this is the best thing for me right now as I work to creating a healthful relationship with food. I am also developing a realistic work-out plan. My days start early (Mondays, for example, I leave the house at 5:45 a.m.!) and end late, but I have to literally schedule in the time to work out…though maybe without the expectation to run 6 miles every day, ya know? Realistic is key to not setting myself up for disappointment (which leads to feelings of shame…which leads to binging)!

So, I’m working on me. And that makes me happy.

I hope you grant yourselves the same permission to put yourself on equal (if not higher – I guess that’s the ultimate goal, eh?!) footing with your other commitments.

<3,

The Cranky One

p.s. Gratuitous shot of Kuni since she makes me oh-so-happy

This is my 5th(!) update, so we’re now over a month since I started the challenge to lose the weight I gained while studying for my M.A. comprehensive exam. Time is flying like a G6! Let’s see how I fared this past week:

Original Starting Weight: 142.6lbs
Last Week’s Starting weight: 136lbs
Today’s Weight: 134.80lbs
Week Difference: -1.20lbs
Total Difference: -7.8lbs
Thoughts: Technically, I know that I really only lost 0.2lbs because I weighed in at 135lbs at the urgent care the Saturday before last. That said, I am still stoked about the 0.2lb loss given that my work-outs and eating habits this past week were pretty atrocious compared to the standards I had set for myself. You’ll see that on one day I literally ate enough calories for three days (and not even a calorie-conscious three days). What happened?

Binge, meet Annabel.

Oh, we’re well-acquainted.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with binge eating – it’s a pretty embarrassing thing for me to talk about and that’s, in part, due to the fact that there is a stigma associated with binge eating–as if binge eaters are these gross, slovenly people without self control. I know that’s not the truth – do you?

Binge eating is different from overeating. Everyone overeats. I watch people do it all the time at social functions – the yummy food is aplenty and accessible, so people eat a few extra slices of this, a few extra dips of that, a few more slurps of this – more than usual and even when their tummies are full. Binge eating, however, is not necessarily triggered by yummy food being present, but by a psychological condition in which a person is attempting to avoid coping with an issue (escapism at its foodliest). And, instead of just eating a medium-sized pizza, a person will inhale an inordinate amount of food well past the point of being full (usually to the point of being uncomfortably, if not painfully, stuffed). Also, typically, the food doesn’t matter so much during a binge since the person is attempting to avoid or recover from something rather than enjoy the food. In fact, because binge eating is usually done so quickly and with such feelings of shame attached to it, the food is rarely truly enjoyed or savored.

It’s no secret I’ve had issues with binge eating. Two of the biggest culprits to my obesity had been binge eating and a passive approach to learning about health & nutrition. But my binge eating has really signified that I’ve created neural pathways in the brain that tie stress and fear to relief in food. Obviously, I’ve done a lot of work on rewiring my brain. I had to do it when I initially started losing weight the healthy way, and then again when I became bulimic (in an attempt to quell the weight-gain effects of my binge eating). It’s really an intricate issue and I’ve gone on and on when all I really wanted to say was that I had a semi-binge episode on Wednesday. It wasn’t a full-blown binge because a) I was more particular about the foods I binged on than is usually typical of a binge, b) I still kept mental track of how much food I was eating, and c) I didn’t eat to a painfully-full point.

So what did happen? On Wednesday I started a new job – some part-time work for a film producer/writer – and I didn’t have much time to eat during the way. When I got home, I was starving, stressed from a new experience with new people (introverts will tell you how taxing new jobs are), and yet feeling restrictive because, well let’s face it, I’m tracking calories these days. So, I began innocently enough and ate a good solid meal (can’t remember what, but my boyfriend will chime in that it was probably broccoli or cauliflower soup, which are two of my staples. Or obsessions.), then I started with one Larabar. Then two. Then three. Yes, it goes on. Unlike a binge, I didn’t eat my chosen foods in one sitting until I was sick, but rather snacked nervously and compulsively all through the evening and night. The new job and the fact that I’m at a cross-roads in life as I try to figure out how and what type of career I want to forge for myself, the fact that my finances are shifty, the fact that I put too much pressure on myself to fit some b-s unrealistic ideal of thinness (yep, let’s face it), the fact that despite all my hurrah about self-acceptance I rarely feel smart enough, funny enough, compassionate enough, good enough in any respect. Well, it all added up and I sought refuge in a visceral interaction that leaves me numb….one that quiets the doubt if even for just a split second.

Out of that sullen mood, on a day like today, I wonder how I ever get to that point. That person above feels like a stranger.

It’s weird.

You’ll see below that I did something many dietitians (and psychologists?) would maybe give a nervous head shake to – I compensated, calorically, the rest of the week to make up for the binge. The only reason I think compensation is tricky is because it is counter intuitive to “mindful eating,” which encourages you to listen to your body and biological cues to dictate how much you eat, rather than sit with a calculator and plan out meals so you don’t gain weight. Compensatory behavior is also tricky because guess what is a “compensatory behavior”? Purging (bulimia). It can get very slippery slope, ya see? But, I feel that the calorie consciousness was warranted and not extreme. Also, you know how I feel about mindful eating. It’s like a unicorn. or the holy grail. It’s nice as an ideal or an illusion, but not so good in practice. Why? I think it’s impossible to separate mind and body. I can’t hear my freakin’ biological hunger cues because my mind is telling me my body can’t possibly need to eat that much since I’ve already eaten enough to hibernate for a freakin’ month, ya know what I mean? And I think that’s fair.

It’s tricky territory, I know.

Work Out & Calories Recap

Mon.: 30-minute walk at 10 incline; 1200 calories
Tues.: no exercise; 1400 calories
Wed.:  no exercise; 5k calories
Thurs.: ran 6 miles (60 minutes); 1200 calories
Fri.: ran 6 miles (60 minutes); 1200 calories
Sat.: ran 6 miles (60 minutes); 1400 calories
Sun.: ran 6 miles (60 minutes); 1200 calories
Summary: Average of 38 min. intentional exercise / day. Average 1800 calories / day.

What I’ll do differently this week

• Um. Not binge?
• Work out every day this week! Last week, I allowed myself one day of rest for the fractured elbow, but slacking on 2.5 hours of exercise is pretty careless.
• Incorporate anaerobic exercises into my routine. I’ve been sticking to cardio because a) I’m a cardio-whore and b) because my fractured elbow forces me to rely on my legs and all my legs say is “run!” I really need to stop relying so much on running before I get tendinitis or fall on my ass and fracture something else.
• Lay off the self-deprecatory mindset. Break the habit, Cranky One!

How are you guys doing on your respective challenges?

<3,

The Cranky One

Here we go:

• Starting Weight: 138 lbs.
• Last Weigh-In July 13: 131.2 lbs.
• Today’s Weigh-In July 20: 129.2lbs.



• Loss since last week:  2.00 lbs.
• Total loss: 8.8 lbs.
• Left to go: 1.2 lbs. by 8/1/09
• Can I just add that I haven’t weighed in my 120s since I was like 11 or 12?…

Here are my daily exercise and calorie consumption stats from last week:

• Monday — 2000 calories, one hour rollerblading
• Tuesday — 1600 calories, 45-mins walk, ran 6 miles
• Wednesday —1600 calories, one hour rollerblading, 30 minutes Turbo Kick Boxing (only 30 mins. b/c my 14-month niece was crying in the kid’s room!), 10-min run
• Thursday — 1550 calories, ran 4 miles
• Friday — 2000 calories, 1 hour rollerblading
• Saturday – 2000 calories, ran 6.25 miles + does slaving in a kitchen from 6 a.m. to 5 p.m. count as exercise? Why yes, yes of course it does!
• Sunday – 2500 calories, rest day

So?

I’m happy about being a little over a pound away from being done with this challenge.  This challenge has been, well, a flippin’ challenge.  It’s been mentally and physically exhausting — so much so that I’m ready to escape to a deserted island, forget my academic and professional goals, wear a coconut bra and lay on the beach for the rest of my life.

I kid, I kid…’cept about the coconut bra…

I guess pushing myself outside of my comfort zone was the plan, weight loss was the goal, yadda yadda yadda. I’ve been up and down like a bobble-head convincing myself that all I want is to be “fit” and then contradicting myself by caring about the number on the scale.  I guess that’s bound to happen when you’re involved in a challenge where what counts IS the number on the scale (note to self — don’t do this again!).

Earlier this week, a couple days ago actually, I was ready to write you all and exclaim, “I’m free!  I have not binged or wanted to binge or had any emotional eating issues whatsoever!  Alert the media, I’m dropping everything, heading out on a book tour and joining Oprah on stage where we will wheel in a cart with lard in the amount of all the weight I’ve lost!”

Then I had a couple bouts of eating beyond being full and felt like I had been eating without being conscious of what I was eating.  Realizing I’ve still got work to do on fixing myself? Check!

Goals

Last week I had a goal to do more strength training.  Did that happen? Nope.  Am I lame? Yes. What’s the point in having a goal if it’s just empty promises and no follow-through.  I really don’t have much compassion for myself — no matter what’s going on — if I don’t follow through.  So this week, I better follow-through or I’m going to make myself do something really uncomfortable.  What do I find really uncomfortable?  Well that’s a long and way too personal list, but I promise you guys this – if I do not strength train at least three days this week for at least 30-minutes each day, you will get to post a truth or dare in the comments section next Monday and I will choose a random generated number and have to comply with that entry (if it’s not against the law or morally repugnant, of course)! Am I a silly 12-year-old or what?!

**Give away!**

Crispy Green sent me over some samples, SWEET! THANKS, that I have tried and loved.  They make these adorable portion-controlled pouches of freeze-dried fruits.  They are the perfect portable snack and great if you want a snack that satisfies your sweet tooth AND gets you a serving of fruit. Now I want YOU to try and adore them!  I am giving away one of each bananas, apples, pineapples and pears pack, ranging in 36-55 calories each to one reader.

How to Win* (1 entry each for the following, please separate each comment)

• Leave a comment telling me your favorite way to eat fruit
• Add me to your Blogroll and leave me a comment telling me you did so
• Subscribe to my RSS feed/or via Google Reader and leave me a comment telling me you did so
• Link back to this contest on your blog and leave me a comment telling me you did so
• Winner announced this Friday, July 24

*Limited to readers in the U.S. only, sorry!

You can buy Crispy Green from their online store here, from Amazon.com here, or from Whole Foods.

Full price via the online store, is $1.33/pack, sold in 6-packs for $7.99, free shipping on orders of $50 or more.  Price via Amazon.com is $1.09/each, free shipping on orders of $25 or more.

More Give-Aways

• Check out MizFit’s Fitness Magazine give-away here.
• Check out The Apron Goddesses’ Shabby Apple dress give-away here.
• Check out Girl, Get Strong’s Purely By Nature Make-up give-away here.
• Check out Girl, Get Strong’s Spicy BBQ gift-pack give-away here.
• Check out Carrots ‘N’ Cake’s “mint julips” earrings give-away here.

Oh and I almost forgot!  How was the bridal shower/bachelorette party, you ask?!  Let’s just say I can’t provide pictures because they would be too incriminating, especially the picture I took of a rather indecent pinata.  Not going to go there!  My favorite part was probably what most people thought was the lamest and that was the bridal shower game where you write out your “recipe for a good marriage” to share with the bride-to-be.  It made me reflect on how what works for some of us, as individuals and couples, varies across the spectrum. In applying that to the purposes of this blog, what do you think goes into a recipe for a healthy lifestyle?  If a friend was about to enter the life-long journey of obtaining and maintaining her personal best health – what ingredients for success would you give her?

How was your weekend?

Have a wonderful Monday!

<3,

The Cranky (and sleepy) One

“Dalhousie’s Dr. Sherry has published “The Perfectionism Model of Binge Eating” in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, along with co-author Peter Hall of the University of Waterloo. By closely following the daily activities of a large group of undergraduates, the researchers believe that they’re the first to identify why perfectionism results in binge eating.

They have also homed in on the type of perfectionist who is most at risk—someone who believes that others are evaluating their performance critically (as opposed to someone who is self-critical). This kind of perfectionist concludes that a parent, a friend or a boss is being harshly judgmental of their performance and pressuring them to be perfect.”

I’m always hypercritical when I read studies like this.  I mean – I know plenty of people who do not have “eating issues” like I do but will occasionally overeat due to stress, mindless eating, boredom, whatever.  I giggled when I remembered Drew Barrymore’s character in Never Been Kissed when she’s talking on the phone eating a pie straight from the pie tin and upon finishing the call goes, “who ate my pie?!”  Classic.

The article continues:  “Binge eating becomes an effort to escape from being overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness, failure and sadness. To temporarily escape from a discouraging reality, it’s necessary to do away with higher order thought. The experience of eating–smelling, chewing, tasting–is immediate and visceral.

‘Think about it–when was the last time that you were rapidly eating a pizza and pondering a major life decision at exactly the same time?’ asks Dr. Sherry.

While binge eating banishes troubles and difficulties in the short term, it also generates powerful negative emotions of guilt and shame that are longer lasting.”

I bolded that sentence because it made me wonder: if the Dr. is so easy to speak in general terms — i.e. when was the last time “you” — binge eating is made to seem like an everyday problem for anyone who has big decisions to make, which is ALL of us.  We all face pressures from a boss or parent or whomever/whatever.  I’m not satisfied with that catch-all, we should all be on meds diagnosis.  The point they should have made more clear is that perfectionists might be more likely to suffer from recurring binge eating because they have excessively high expectations on a DAILY basis.  While most people are able to re-assess their goals or see the big picture enough to brush things off, perfectionists are not likely to do this. Additionally, binge eating becomes an additional failure to add to the list of failed expectations which may further the cycle. I hope the actual journal article clearly distinguishes between overeating and binge eating — since I think people conflate these terms. Also, if the study used undergrads as its sampling pool — DUH, c’mon.  College undergrads are disproportionately self-reflective, stressed and body-conscious compared to another possible sample group.  It’s like using supermodels as your sample pool for a study asking the question, “Is skinny perceived as desirable by women?” Lame!

Since this post is way more serious than I want to be on a Sunday morning, I leave you with this clip from Never Been Kissed: