A lot of significant transitions occurred this year, primarily my transition from grad student juggling freelance gigs w/ an income supplemented by student loans to a full-time independent contractor learning the ropes of self-sufficiency and professional development. On a more personal level, this year also marked a lot of psychological transitions (some I’m still working on).

Do you remember that episode of The Office where Pam walks across the hot coals and starts telling people how she really feels? I feel like this was the year I ran over hot coals (figuratively, of course). A challenge throughout my life has been that I repress emotions while being simultaneously overly affected by all social interactions. This means that I’ve often felt like a dart board taking darts from each interaction and yet letting them stay inside, puncturing me rather than pulling them out and addressing the dart-thrower (be it a person or situation). I’ve become much more assertive in both my personal and professional life of my limits, expectations and feelings. This has only had positive effects! I think I’ve expected people to be mind-readers in the past. How can they not know I’m overworked? How can they not know what they said hurt my feelings? I’m done with playing guessing games and done with childishly expecting that others somehow magically know where I’m at in my head. Adulthood for me has meant losing all patience for unnecessary emotional expenditures (my own and others’).

Earlier this year, as a grad student, I felt that I was in a beautiful holding ground. In a crude sense, school is a sort of limbo. It certainly allows you to foster your curiosities and grow personally and intellectually, but it’s also an in-between sort of place where you work on building an “after,” which is whatever you’re going to do and/or whoever you’ll become once you graduate. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a nerd at heart and that I loved being in school (even though studying for the comprehensive exam took years off my life due to stress lol). So, graduating was a rather jarring experience. I had a lot of those Judy Blume and existential crises moments (i.e. who am I, where am I going, what do I want to be).

One thing that still surprises me is that even though I was completely rattled by this transition, I had somehow crafted this unwavering confidence in myself that I could and would get everything I wanted out of life. I guess this confidence sprung not out of naivete but out of my truth — I have always gotten what I’ve wanted. It sounds very strange (and vain) in my head to type that, but it is indeed the case. Few things in my life have been easy and many things have required years of dedication and hard work, but as I live in this moment I see everything I’ve ever wanted. Do I want more? Sure, I’d love a little more self-acceptance and a healthier relationship with food. I’d love to build healthier relationships with specific people and I’d love more time to work-out. But I am so grateful for the life I’ve built for myself with my own sweat and tears. I cherish it. I own it. And I can only feel excitement for what I’ll find and conquer in 2012.

A Look Back at 2011

Personal & Professional Accomplishments

• I got my Master’s in English literature. I spent months preparing for the comprehensive exam, which I chose to take in 20th century American literature. This was a very tough time, but one I look back on fondly. I spent hours at coffee shops and in the library learning everything I could about modernism and postmodernism, ecocriticism, gender politics, Kerouac and Judith Butler. I felt incredibly stressed but incredibly passionate and empowered. I ended up passing the exam with one of the highest scores. This is not a surprise…I studied like my life depended on it!
• While obtaining my Masters degree and subsequently after, I did a lot of freelance writing, copy-editing and social media work. I enjoyed the personal freedom it afforded, but knew I would eventually like something a bit more stable and something that allowed me to exercise my passions. So, I made a personal commitment that I would find a stable job I could be passionate about. I set a 5-part criteria any potential full-time would have to meet: 1) it would have to let me telecommute &/or be a ROWE company, 2) they’d have to pay me sufficiently for my skills & talent, 3) I’d have to like the people I work for and with, 4) I’d have to feel passionate about what the company does and 5) the job would allow me to grow professionally in areas that interest me and would also encourage personal growth. I found that job.
• I ran…a LOT! And beat my personal record for a 10k.
• I started lifting weights hardcore, yo! (still am). This has been one of the BEST things I could do for my self-esteem because even though I’ve had a lot of trouble this year to maintain my weight at its “happy place” of 135 lbs, I’ve been able to focus on a more healthful accomplishment: strength! When I think about how I’ve more than doubled the weight I can lift, bench, squat, etc., I feel incredibly badass. Badass feels so much better than skinny.

Musical Passion

• My band and I drove to New Mexico to produce tracks for our album with our friend and fellow musician, Joey. We took a detour to the Grand Canyon and I’ll never forget that day. It was cold, but sunny, and I was with my two brothers from another mother on a trip full of laughter, smiles and beautiful music.
• I performed live with my band at Viento y Agua in Long Beach, CA even though I had laryngitis! I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous. I had no idea whether my voice would even come out to sing! Thankfully, it did.
• I released a single with my band called, “Falling” & a cover of “The Killing Jar” with Pristina
• My boyfriend and I saw Amanda Palmer perform on Halloween. It reminded me  how much I need to sing because it’s one of the few things I can do that allow me to feel free, unique and beautiful in an out-of-body type of way.

Set Backs

• I fractured my elbow right in the middle of my challenge to lose the 10 pounds I had gained while studying for my M.A. comprehensive exam.
• I discussed my struggle with binge eating here, here, here, here and here

Joyous Occasions

• My 2nd niece was born
• I celebrated 4 years with my best friend. I can’t wait to celebrate 5 in March 2012.
• I celebrated two years as a vegan (officially a couple days before Christmas!).
• I was invited to Green Mountain at Fox Run and will spend a week there in Jan. 2012.

Blog Passion/Passion for Health, Body Image, Veganism & Food Politics

• I celebrated my 2nd bloggiversary
• My post on WhoNu cookies became my most popular post
• I started writing about food politics every Friday. Ok, I lied. I set out to write about food politics every Friday, but only wrote 8 posts. Definitely going to ramp this up in the new year!
• I talked about the real world benefits of being “thin pretty” and its psychological consequences
• I started a challenge to lose the weight I gained while studying for my M.A. comprehensive exam (I’m pretty sure I’ve since gained the 10 back + 10 more…but alas…)
• Created some kick-ass recipes like mini corn-dogs, strawberry chocolate chip bread, sweet & sour tempeh, pumpkin pie shake, cole slaw, lemon poppyseed cake, “chicken salad,” lemon Larabar-like concoctions, & “vacation enchiladas”
• I worked with Jen, Elisabeth & Jazz on Blogging for a Change – we raised nearly 2k for the Red Cross’ Japan Disaster Relief
• I wrote about society’s obsession with sex, food & dieting
• I took a chance and wrote about my insecurities in loving as they manifested in a dream

As I write this, the sun pours into my home office. My little puppy lays curled in a ball on the floor. I have my schedule written out of work-items to accomplish today. I have plans to hit zumba after a work conference call. I’ll see my boyfriend for dinner and a movie.

Is this real?

2011, you’ve been good to me, but I understand it’s mostly because despite my BS I’ve been good to me. 2012, I await you with open arms.

<3,

The Cranky One

I finished my exam! *squeals* I find out my results this upcoming Friday, but I am very confident that I aced it. I studied like it was my job (yes, pretty much around 4-8 hours/day for the past two months) and even though I got the question I did not want (the gender one), I answered it as if on auto-pilot. The information came pouring from my fingers for three hours without stop and a total of 11 pages at the end. Yep, I know Judith Butler like the back of my performative hand! It’s weird because I can hardly even remember sitting there — I think the adrenaline mixed with the memorization and rehearsal that prompted “autopilot mode” leaves me with little memory of the torture yay! I rewarded myself right after the exam, at noon, with a nice big Blue Moon with a few of my comrades. Mmmmm.

Now that that’s out of the way, I still have a research paper due this Wednesday, but then, after that, I am a free woman with my master’s degree! Woo-hoo!

Getting my master’s degree has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and while I’m sad to leave behind my amazing teachers and mentors and all those introspection-causing class discussions (or moments of “existential crisis” as a fellow classmate says), I am also super excited to see what’s next.

I’m not quite sure exactly what The Cranky One will do or be but I like to consider myself as continually under development, so this is a comfortably uncomfortable feeling…if that makes any sense. I am currently seeking freelance writing and editing positions, primarily with PR companies, but I’m also directly hitting up some of my favorite health-related and/or vegan-related companies. I’ve had great luck in the past getting to work from home (it was a dream, truly) and I am confident that I can get these kinds of gigs again. People seem surprised when I tell them I do not want to be a teacher. “Why did you get your M.A., then?” they ask. The truth? It was purely personal! I wanted the experience. Now that I have the experience, I am positive that my writing and analytical skills are at their peak and I have the program to thank for that. When/should I settle down, having the opportunity to teach at a community college will be a nice back-up plan. I’m also not discounting the possibility of a PhD program somewhere down the road – but it depends on a number of variables and I’m just not ready yet. Because of my area of academic interest, the three schools that would be best for my studies are UC Davis, Cal and University of Nevada, Reno. But, for now, I want to relish my time to continue pursuing my passions, outside of the academic institution: singing, writing and health – the tripartite division that fills me with life!

Another bonus to being done? More time to blog! I plan on doing another “summer challenge” like the one I did two years ago. I’ve remained somewhat active over the past two months of self-imposed lock-down, but I’m just itching for a challenge to get ripped and toned. So, while I will keep track of my weight for measurement purposes, I’ll also concentrate on more important measurables like increase in push-ups, pull-ups, body squats, etc. By the way, thanks to my boyfriend’s lenient training plan, I’ve now done my first unassisted pull-up! I’m so happy I’ll keep you guys posted on the deets of the challenge when I decide them and if any of you want to join in, I’d love it!

So, these are unsure but exciting times. Perhaps it’s simply because I recently finished The Road, but I am filled with immense gratitude for everything in my life (yes, even all the crap, lol).

I hope you guys will continue to join me here while I figure things out. I will be spending some time crafting posts and recipes geared specifically for people who’ve found themselves in my 280-lb-pounds shoes and those who are currently, like me, trying to maintain a significant lifestyle shift. If there’s anything I can write on that would specifically help you out, please holla’. You know I looooove being bossy when it comes to health matters

<3,

The Cranky One

Thankfully, I did have some company!

He’s so studious, just like his mama!

Despite my self-imposed exile, I did actually get to have some fun this weekend!  Yes, yes I did leave my house if only for a few hours to meet up with my friend/co-worker/fellow masochist student at our local farmers’ market.  I hadn’t been to a farmers’ market in like 5 years, so I was stoked to check it out and to see if shopping there would be a viable option for me.

The scenery…



And the thing that made me cry a little inside…

Have you guys ever had a pupusa? They are an El Salvadorean dish that’s like a tortilla pancake filled with beans, cheese and whatever else you’d like.  Yes, I just said like a tortilla pancake with beans and cheese inside…can you even wrap your head around how good they must taste?!  Back in the day I would get like three in a sitting.  Mmmm.  This time, I decided against getting one seeing that they are a) high cal, b) possibly made with lard, and c) from a company called La Gordita Feliz which means “the happy fat chick” in my translation.  I’m just sayin’…

What did I end up with? Four white peaches at $2/pound came out to about $4.00, some yellow zucchini at $1.00, a pack of strawberries for $4.00 and some Mom’s Greek products, shown below:
Cilantro & Jalapeno Hummus — Yum, but not amazing.


Black Bean with Chipotle Harissa – You had me at black bean. More Yum than Cilantro & Jalapeno.


Taboule Salad — Too dry, sorry.

I hate to be a Cranky McCranky Butt, but those Mom’s products were 3 for $10.00, which, given my pathetic budget, is way too much mula. Given the price of the fruit and veggies and above products at the Farmers’ Market, I’d have to say, I truly cannot afford to shop there for my staple foods. If you saw my handy-dandy grocery price comparison list here, you’d notice that I typically get peaches for $1.49/pound and I get 32 ounces of Tribe Hummus for $4.99 at Costco, whereas at Mom’s it would be $10.00 for 24 ounces.  That’s $0.16 an ounce versus $0.42, or almost triple the cost. To be fair, I will say that there are some very loyal supporters of Mom’s and it is always nice to support local mom and pop companies.  If you can afford it. Check out the review of Mom’s on Chowhound.com here to see much more positive, happy, shiny people than me talk about Mom’s.

Even though I have got to be one of the most annoying people to be around given that I’m both frugal with my money and frugal with my calories, I must have at least one redeeming quality b/c my friend stuck around long enough for us to go to lunch.

We ate at Rock Bottom Brewery where I had the Santa Fe Salad without added chicken.  Nothing extraordinary, but certainly delicious!

it came with Tempura-battered banana peppers.  At first I was like, “ugh, why do they have to fry the peppers” blah blah blah whine whine. Then I ate one and quickly shut my mouth long enough to continue gorging on the masterpieces I had originally dissed.

We then went to check out my friend’s local coffee shop and study spot where I will soon be joining her for study dates (don’t worry boyfriend I still love you, but I’ve got to spread my wings sometimes..;)

I know I’ve found a spot near and dear to my little hippie heart when the chalk calendar has MFA readings and folk music listed

September Goal Update

You saw here where I said I wanted to do cardio 5xs a week, strength training 3xs a week and yadda yadda yadda, right?  I’ll tell you about it in tomorrow because this post is waaaaaay too long and I’ve gots to study!

In the News

• Science Daily‘s, “That Late-night Snack: Worse Than You Think” (9/7/09) here — Apparently if we eat at night when we’re supposed to be sleeping, our bodies are inclined to hold on to the calories.  I think this is bogus, sorry.  I think this is one of those cases where tests on mice do not translate to humans. Booya!
• Science Daily‘s, “Why Cry? Evolutionary Biologists Show Crying Can Strengthen Relationships” (9/7/09) here — I don’t know about you guys, but I’m printing this one and keeping it handy so that next time I start bawling and my boyfriend is dumbstruck by it, I can tell him I’m taking one for the team and doing it for the sake of our relationship. BUAHAHAH!

Give-Away Round Up

• Three different give-aways: Win a $100 gift certificate for jewelry to inspire your active lifestyle, win a gift certificate to a boutique for children’s clothes and/or win 25 personalized/custom cards/invites here

How are you guys spending labor day?  Do you feel your local farmers’ markets are affordable? Do you have a favorite study spot? Favorite local coffee shop?

<3, The Cranky One